tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40938092075447400122024-03-13T20:59:57.369-05:00'Cause everyone has a dash of diva in themThe daily rantings and ravings (the blog edition, anyway) of a 30-something diva-in-waiting.divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.comBlogger273125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-11130614134664999112010-02-05T10:16:00.003-05:002010-02-05T10:47:36.338-05:00Helllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooo!So yeah, it's been an awfully long time since I've written a danged thing here. Like, since my birthday. Which was in August. <br /><br />Yeah.<br /><br />It's not like things have been tame, however.<br /><br />After the birthday we started up yet another IVF cycle which, if you happened to check out my infertility blog, you'd know was a bust. Big, fat, huge bust. Very disappointing. I really thought that was our time, that come May of this year we'd finally have our bundle of joy. But alas...we have no joy, and the only bundle I see is the bundle of debt we keep adding to as we spin the wheel of infertility and keep turning up Whammies. <br /><br />So that was August and September. October was rather crap, all things considered. Lots of time mourning what wasn't to be, as well as many a family birthday (wait - that wasn't crap) took up the bulk of our time. <br /><br />November rolled around and with it came my latest challenge - National Novel Writing Month. As you can likely tell I enjoy the whole writing thing, so this was an opportunity to flex my creative muscle and finally do something just for me. NaNoWriMo involves writing 50,000 words during the 30 days that make up November. That's about 1,667 words per day, if you're averaging it out. Which I most certainly did.<br /><br />I'm exceedingly happy to report that I did, indeed, complete the challenge, and that by November 29th, I'd submitted what I'd written for word verification and I clocked in at 50,330-something words. I'd done it!<br /><br />What I haven't done is finish the book.<br /><br />Believe it or not, I literally haven't opened that Word file again since I got my wee winners badge. I dropped my main characters like literary hot potatoes, and they've sat there, stagnant, for well over two months. Poor things. I really should get back to it, because I was nowhere near done. And I'd really like to be done, ya know? To finish what I started. And, horrors, to let other people read it and see what they think. <br /><br />At the end of the day, even if I never write another word or if I actually do finish it and people hate it, I'll be just fine. For me, the biggest rationale behind even starting this in the first place was the challenge aspect. To finish. I haven't done anything even remotely artistic in months if not years, and this couldn't have come at a better time to help both distract me from the events of the previous few months and focus me on a singular task. And it was all good.<br /><br />Except for the actual writing. I have no idea if it's any good or if it's complete, abject crap. Guess only time and critics will tell. If I ever finish the danged thing!<br /><br />So that was November. Then we all flew headlong into December. I got right into Christmas this year...the baking, the decorating, the shopping, the music, the wrapping, the tree...I was Christmas obsessed. We hosted a lovely Christmas dinner with my family that went from civilized to disaster as cats, dog, and small children collided in a frenzy of presents, smushy faces, smudged chocolate and flying red wine. All over our recently cleaned off-white carpet.<br /><br />But that's a whole other blog post. Merry Christmas to all. <br /><br />We rang in the new year with four of our friends playing Wii and eating yummy nibblies. And then it was 2010.<br /><br />If you've read anything I've written during a winter month, you know how much I abhor the cold and white season. I detest snow, get nervous about Hubs having to drive around in bad weather (even though he's an excellent driver - it's all the other buttholes I worry about), and hate standing on that wind tunnel of a GO train platform waiting for my tin can of germs to shuttle me along the lakeshore to my downtown Toronto workplace.<br /><br />But truthfully? How can anyone complain about this winter? Hardly any snow, reasonably mild temps (give or take a day here and there) and every day we're one day closer to spring. Even I can't justify ranting and raving this time around.<br /><br />January is that long, dark month that hurts in so many ways. It's dark when you leave home to go to work and dark when you leave your office at night. It's when the holiday bills start rolling in, and it's when they start taking the CPP and EI off your cheques again, so you're poorer than you were only a month before. And those credit card bastards still expect you to pay up. The nerve. So needless to say we've been feeling the pinch these past few weeks.<br /><br />And here we are in February. I like February...it means January's over, it's a short month so it's not like we have to put up with it for all that long, and there's Valentine's Day squished in there for good measure. Not that we'll be fete-ing it up this year (see above paragraph re: finances) but I do have a special gift for Hubs that I'm sure he'll love, and we'll find our own low cost way to celebrate the day one way or another.<br /><br />Today in particular is a very good day. It was three years ago today that we got the keys to our first home. Hard to believe it's been three whole years already, but we're still delighted with the house and have no plans whatsoever to make any move. <br /><br />Today also marks the very last day of Hubs' classes. That's right - he's been in school each week since April 27 of last year, and as of today he's done the classroom stuff and bright and early Monday morning he begins his placement. <br /><br />It's a day for celebrating indeed. He's worked so hard and has done incredibly well, and as trite as it sounds, I'm really proud of him. He's so cut out for what he's going into I can't wait to see how it all unfolds for him. He's got eight weeks of placement and then it's all over and he'll hopefully be back in the working world, making a difference in so many lives. <br /><br />So yes, right now every day is not only one day closer to spring, it's also one day closer to Hubs having a pay cheque. Bring it on!<br /><br />And there you have it...we've caught up on five months of activity in one short blog post. I'm going to do my best to try to write more frequently but hey, we all know I've said that before and have been less than stellar at keeping my word. Maybe this time it will be different!!<br /><br />Besides...I'd be surprised if anyone was even reading anymore! :)<br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-16923569190370814742009-08-23T21:06:00.003-05:002009-08-23T21:36:11.377-05:00It's my birfdayAnd oh boy, have I been spoiled rotten!<br /><br />An entire weekend of birthday festivities started Friday night when Hubs gave me some beaaautiful flowers. Pink gerberas, lilies, white and pink roses - just to die for. <br /><br />Saturday morning we got up at a decent time, grabbed a Timmie's and headed to the theatre to see The Time Traveler's Wife. I'd read the book and was a bit meh about it, but wanted to see the movie either way - see whether the hype was worth it. It was okay. I cried at the end, of course, but that's pretty much par for the course for me right now. I cry over everything - love the drugs.<br /><br />Later that evening we met up with friends and family for sushi and had a fantastic meal. I was stuffed! But managed to shovel some birthday cake in after we went back to our place. I was spoiled rotten (to the point of incredulity, really) and was feeling very fortunate to have so many wonderful people in my life to celebrate with.<br /><br />Today I slept in, then Hubs made me an incredible breakfast that would rival any Denny's slam. My fab SIL went above and beyond yet again, so thanks to her I then went for a divine mani/pedi and even got silly little flowers done on my big toes. <br /><br />Fingers still drying, Hubs, DeeDee and I got into the car and headed out to this elaborate mini golf place I'd seen about 45 minutes from home. Even though it wasn't our weekend with her, DeeDee phoned this morning and said she wanted to spend some time with her dad, so of course we were happy to have her join us. When she got here she handed me a pink gift bag, with the word "MOM" printed on it. Underneath it, in read pen, she'd written "#2. Your awesome. And special".<br /><br />Well, my diva heart melted. How sweet was that? She even made a card for me with a picture of herself in it. So cute. I was really touched.<br /><br />We then engaged in a surprisingly cutthroat game of mini golf, and I'm pleased to report that I emerged victorious - by one stroke. Ah, victory. Takes almost as sweet as my yummy birthday cake. <br /><br />Golfed out, we returned home and dropped DeeDee off so she could have some pizza and watch a movie with her Auntie while Hubs and I dined in celebration at the Keg. Yet again, gift cards courtesy of my fab sister in law. Took them two tries to get our steaks right, but when they do - there's nothin' like 'em.<br /><br />Now we've watched Big Brother and True Blood, had another piece of birthday cake (after I blew out more candles and heard more singing), done my IVF drugs for the night, and I have but 9 minutes more to stay awake to officially be 36 years old seeing as I was born at 10:41 pm. <br /><br />I'm very very sleepy, but surely I can squeeze out another 9 minutes? <br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-25133961587600649682009-08-19T09:09:00.002-05:002009-08-19T09:32:51.181-05:00The working sickWe've all played this game once or twice (at least) in our lifetimes. You wake up, feel like abject crap, you're hacking up a lung...and you have to make that game day decision. Stay in bed, or go to work? If you're like me, the vast majority of the time, you solider on, shower and dress, and head on into the office.<br /><br />You hack and you sneeze and you drop your snotty Kleenexes on the GO train.<br /><br />You sit in the cubicle not too far from my office and I wince every time you begin the barking noises that emanate from what is surely a now raw, painful throat.<br /><br />I feel terribly sorry for you - that can't feel good! You should be sleeping, resting, getting better. <br /><br />I mentally tell you to go home. <br /><br />Get the rest you need.<br /><br />And keep your filthy germs to yourself. I can't afford to get sick right now, dangit!<br /><br />The working sick - damned if you do, damned if you don't. <br /><br />Every corporate culture is different, but generally speaking, I find there's a strange reward system in place for coming in to work sick. You're a trooper, you're sticking it out, look at you, feeling so bad but still managing to come in. There, there. So dedicated. <br /><br />So infectious.<br /><br />On the other hand, when you do decide it's best to keep your bubonic carcass home and in bed, you're almost chastised for not being strong enough to tough it out. Sure, you're at home resting which means you'll probably get better faster and be back to your productive self sooner AND you're not risking the health of everyone else around you...but, sigh, Jane made it in. Why couldn't you?<br /><br />I've been pretty lucky lately. I used to pick up every little virus or bacteria under the sun. I'd have colds and flus all the time, but that's tapered off significantly and now, I'm all about the ear infections. Fun, but not necessarily contagious. <br /><br />I had this internal debate just yesterday morning as I awoke from a delightful slumber and put my feet to the floor. I felt like crap. My ears were completely blocked, my head was swimming, and my voice was reverberating inside my head. The latter I discovered upon actually speaking to Hubs - fret not, I didn't get echoes from my internal morning monologue. I'm not that crazy.<br /><br />Yet.<br /><br />Alas, I felt brutal. Run down, nasty, just didn't want to move. <br /><br />But what did I do? <br /><br />Got up, soldiered on, showered and dressed, and made my way into the office. But man oh man would I have loved to have just.stayed.home.<br /><br />I only made it until 1:45pm, then headed out to catch an early train so I could flake on my couch.<br /><br />And I'm back at work again today. Still not feeling great, but not bad enough to mentally justify staying home. And I have the pleasure of listening to some poor co-worker who totally should have stayed home today hack up a lung. Maybe two, it's that bad.<br /><br />I honestly don't even know who it is - I just know that I want to stay as far away from her as is humanly possible. 'Cause I'd really rather not add a nasty cough to my already miserable ears on the best of days. And certainly not three days before I'm supposed to start IVF. <br /><br />So, what's life like where you work? Are you encouraged to actually stay home when you're sick so you can recover faster (thereby getting back to productivity faster) and not take the rest of the office down with you? Or are you forced to function in one of those environments where the phlegm-ier you are, the more kudos you receive? I'm willing to bet most of us fall into column b, but I'm interested to see your responses. <br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-65376693942434654512009-08-10T19:34:00.006-05:002009-08-10T19:53:53.058-05:00Heaven, thy name is ElmwoodBack in March when our frozen embryo transfer failed, my wonderful friends banded together and got me a lovely gift card to one of the swankiest spas Toronto has to offer...Elmwood. <a href="http://www.elmwoodspa.ca/">www.elmwoodspa.ca</a><br /><br />Ah, Elmwood.<br /><br />Say it with me, and you'll feel instant relaxation.<br /><br />Elllllmmmmmmwooooooddddd.<br /><br />Felt good, huh? Yeah. I know.<br /><br />So yeah, got the gift card in March and decided it was time to put it to good use while I can really really enjoy it.<br /><br />I roped SIL into joining me, and so yesterday at 2pm we arrived at our urban oasis and instantly were transported to a blissful state of mind that lasted a luxurious two and a half hours.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmQMI25yCCjdQaAkdKvxs-msuoyyqVFyzo7IgeaWgJVfcaOOYxP9BGgzIdbNSM8-zS26div1OhwfROt1zJdclpECBMz8nFW4AbAEROxKFca7DjPYDxNcfCRp3d0ICNMhhdhdAnRXYmkxY/s1600-h/1_whirlpool.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmQMI25yCCjdQaAkdKvxs-msuoyyqVFyzo7IgeaWgJVfcaOOYxP9BGgzIdbNSM8-zS26div1OhwfROt1zJdclpECBMz8nFW4AbAEROxKFca7DjPYDxNcfCRp3d0ICNMhhdhdAnRXYmkxY/s320/1_whirlpool.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5368502985738819714" border="0" /></a><br />Huge fluffy robes, a fantastic whirlpool in mosaic tiles in every shade of blue, chandeliers everywhere, dressing tables with blow dryers, straighteners, every kind of cream imaginable, cranberry/orange flavoured water, peppermint green tea - and the most incredible massage a girl could ask for.<br /><br />A hugely indulgent afternoon, well enjoyed.<br /><br />Upon leaving we even managed to procure some incredible handmade soaps...one a cranberry and the other almond and buttermilk.<br /><br />It's amazing that soap could make me that happy. Talk about the icing on the cake.<br /><br />If you have the time and the resources, I highly recommend that you splurge and treat yourself to the wonders of Elmwood at least once in your life. Preferably more, much much more, if possible.<br /><br />Thanks again to my fantastic girlfriends for making it all possible. I left there feeling relaxed and carefree. And these days - that's a pretty incredible feat.<br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-89982228172652584222009-08-04T08:30:00.003-05:002009-08-04T08:35:47.087-05:00Dash of Diva gets a makeover!Yep, it's time. It really is. The daily dash was neither daily nor dashing anymore, so I decided to put her under the digital knife and up came what you see before you now. I hope you like it!<br /><br />A little easier font to read (I hope), nice concise links to other blogs and followers, and a kick ass graphic at the top that the saver in me fell in love with - what more could you want?<br /><br />I hope you like it just as much as I do. Or, well, even just a little bit. Liking it a little bit would suit me just fine. <br /><br />I miss shopping - I really do - so I can now live vicariously through the sassiness of the exceedingly svelte diva in the upper right hand corner. Note her multiple pink bags, and the fact that they all say sale or 50/70/80% off. That's my kinda gal. <br /><br />And her purse is kinda cute too.<br /><br />So there you go. A new look for the daily dash. Me likey.<br /><br />As always, if you'd like your blog added to my list, feel free to leave a comment with the addy or send me an email at <a href="mailto:jshtoronto@yahoo.ca">jshtoronto@yahoo.ca</a>.<br /><br />Toodles!<br /><br />And that's your new and improved daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-45987023374304927942009-08-02T21:46:00.002-05:002009-08-02T22:02:10.740-05:00The gems of summer televisionSo here we are, smack dab in the middle of summer. These are the (supposed) days of sunshine, picnics, holidays, running in sprinklers, lemonade...and crap television. Because you're supposed to be on holidays, running in sprinklers and picnicking while drinking lemonade during the summer. Not stuck inside watching television. <br /><br />But alas - this summer, the weather is what's crap and the television is actually not that bad. I thank two things - HBO and Big Brother.<br /><br />First, I love Big Brother. Yep, I do. I'll admit it. Yet another one of my guilty pleasures. I love rooting for the underdogs and am always fascinated at how fickle I can be from week to week, my allegiances shifting from person to person faster than I ever would have thought possible. I try not to read the spoiler sites, but sometimes I can't help it. <br /><br />And I find myself yelling at the television more than once a week.<br /><br />Now THAT'S good tv.<br /><br />Then there's HBO. Thanks to this brilliant network, I have not one, not two, but three incredible shows to enjoy each week. Top of the list would have to be True Blood. Sundays at 9 have never been the same. <br /><br />We got hooked a bit slower than normal. After seeing something about the show somewhere online, I looked it up and Hubs and I were instantly addicted. And for Hubs, that's a huge flippin deal, 'cause that guy pretty much hates tv. But True Blood - that shit is golden for us both. <br /><br />I love the whole vampire thing, the southern gentleman thing, the intrigue, the different characters, and the Eric. Har. He's just every kind of fine.<br /><br />Then there's Nurse Jackie. Edie Falco as a drug addicted nurse having an affair while her hubby waits for her at home. Great characters, snappy dialogue, and some laugh out loud moments. Another reason to look forward to Monday nights.<br /><br />And finally, there's Hung. How could you not love a show like this? Gotta dig the role reversals - female pimp and male ho - and all the family dynamics. You never know where it's going to go from one episode to the other. And through it all, you're just sitting there, kinda waiting for him to get caught. We shall see!<br /><br />So if you have HBO or TMN On Demand, I highly recommend checking out these three shows. True Blood is in season two, but Hung and Nurse Jackie (which I think is actually a Showtime show, not HBO now that I think about it) are new this year so it doesn't take long to catch up. <br /><br />Happy summer tv watching! Hope you're loving these shows as much as I am!!<br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?<br /><br />PS - as I mentioned in my last post, I've started a parallel blog for my IVF journey. If you're interested, here's the link. http://seedsininfertilesoil.blogspot.comdivajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-14422125468006726552009-07-31T09:16:00.002-05:002009-07-31T09:28:03.762-05:0022 daysThe countdown is on, my friends.<br /><br />Well, truth be told it's been on for well longer than 22 days. But since I'm finally getting around to posting again, you're getting as true a snapshot as I can give you.<br /><br />22 days until we start the drugs again for our next IVF cycle. And only 23 days until I turn 36. <br /><br />Just over three weeks and I'll be up to my knees in ultrasound techs - literally. The whole thing will begin anew, and I'll do my best to remain hopeful that this, our third attempt at IVF, will finally be the one that works. <br /><br />I'm hopeful. <br /><br />And I'm scared to death.<br /><br />I'm going to start a separate blog to capture all the details of the IVF process. I'll still do my best to post here as well, but I'll try to keep the infertility crap, all the minutia of this shot and that shot, in a separate space. Once my brain has settled upon a snappy title, I'll share with those that want a glimpse of the eerily technical world that is, fingers crossed, conceiving a child when nature won't do it for you.<br /><br />So for these next 22 days, I'm doing my best to keep busy, enjoy the summer (our weekends are packed full of outings and bbqs and all that fun stuff) and I'm definitely partaking in the wonders of alcohol and caffeine for as long as I'm able. <br /><br />If only the weather would cooperate!<br /><br />I'll do my best to come back a bit later and get back to the diva posts you've come to expect - now, with 78% less infertility musing!<br /><br />Hope you're all well and enjoying what life has to offer. Happy almost August! <br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-18184191629080969652009-06-18T11:18:00.002-05:002009-06-18T11:56:44.707-05:00It's been, like, foreverYep. Forever since I've posted. Once again, I've been a bad diva. But once again, it hasn't been the best of times.<br /><br />Hasn't been the worst, but not the best either.<br /><br />So, let's start with the good news, shall we? Hubs got accepted into the program he wanted. He found out as I was en route to Niagara Falls for a conference, called me on my cell, told me, and I burst into tears I was so relieved. It's been a while since I cried happy tears, but boy oh boy were they wonderful. <br /><br />A few days later he joined me in Niagara and we upgraded our room, had a wonderful dinner at the Keg overlooking the Falls to celebrate, walked and talked for hours, did some shopping...and the rest...well, you can use your imagination.<br /><br />It was just like this massive weight had been lifted from both of us. Finally, FINALLY, things were going our way and he could get back on track. He found out Wednesday, he started the following Monday.<br /><br />And thankfully, he's loving the program - and excelling, as I knew he would. Sure, there are the ups and downs but by and large he's really found his niche. And I couldn't be happier for him. <br /><br />Some of you have asked about his birthday present. I can report now that he did indeed love it, even if it didn't get here on time. Well, Canada Post said they tried to deliver it, but we all know that Canada Post lies, so I blame them for him not having something to open. But I digress...<br /><br />Hubs has always lamented the fact that he doesn't have very many pictures of me. In fact, if pictures are to be had it's because by and large I'm the one taking them, and am therefore rarely in front of the camera. So I decided to suck it up and do some photo shoots for him.<br /><br />First, boudoirs. Now, for those of you not in the know about the boudoir photography world, rest assured I had clothes on. I was definitely covered. No naughty bits pokin' out and nary a pube to be seen. No thank you! Mine is the type of body that needs clothes. Having said all that, I was remarkably pleased with what my wonderful photographer Tara was able to accomplish. And Hubs? Well, he just loved them.<br /><br />Deciding I didn't want to stop there, I coerced two other photographer friends into assisting me in bringing this birthday present vision to life. I was going for photo overkill so Hubs could no longer complain about the lack of me pics in his viewing realm. I met John downtown on April Fool's Day and we shot the urban set, complete with bricks and stone and graffiti and all that good urban stuff. Loved them!!<br /><br />A week later Steve shot a set at our local waterfront on one of the coldest, windiest days of the month. I was windblown, but wow did he get some incredible shots. I showed them to my mom and she even asked me for copies! My gratitude to the two of them for their time and kindness knows no bounds.<br /><br />Once I received all the proofs I carefully arranged them into a photobook for Hubs' eyes only. Said book is what failed to arrive in time, but at least I had the discs from all three shoots to show him. I think I finally got him a gift he loves.<br /><br />I have no clue where to go from here now. I peaked in the gift department. Dag.<br /><br />Just under a month later, Hubs and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary. It was a low key affair, but pretty much exactly what both of us wanted. No gifts, just cards and a sushi dinner that we both enjoyed immensely. We chatted about what we remembered of our wedding day, highlights and fave moments. We shared many smiles and both readily agreed that we'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. Every day I remind myself how lucky I am to have him. <br /><br />From sweet to bitter though. One day was our wedding anniversary, the next the original due date of the child we miscarried back in November. <br /><br />Wow. I knew the day would be hard, but I wasn't really sure how it would effect me until it hit me right between the ovaries. No mercy. Sucker punch. I managed to keep it together during the day but once I got home and into Hubs' arms, I just collapsed under the weight of it all. What haunted me most was having to mourn what should have been. Seeing others who got pregnant around the same time starting to have their children while I...well, you can figure it out.<br /><br />Which brings me to the not so good news.<br /><br />Yes, we're still having no luck in the conception department. Since I last wrote we've had three more tries, and it appears as though neither have worked. All that time, energy, money, hope, and nothing. Especially this last cycle, I'm just heartbroken. Everything seemed to be perfect, all of the ideal elements were there...but yet again, today began with one single, solitary pink line staring me in the face. No matter how I twist and turn the stick in the light, I can't magically make that other line appear.<br /><br />I go in tomorrow for the blood work that will most likely be the nail in this cycle's coffin, and then we're done for a while. I need a break. We need to regroup, figure out what our next steps are. And if I can't be pregnant, then I want to drink my way through the summer, dammit.<br /><br />Said drinking will begin in earnest on Saturday should said blood test indeed prove negative. Two of my sisters and I are throwing a 25th wedding anniversary party for my parents (mom and stepdad, but he's been dad for decades) at my sister's place, about two hours from our home. It was to have been a pool party, but if you've looked at the weather forecast for Saturday for Ontario, you're pretty much shaking your head right now, aren't you? We're hoping for a minor miracle, but we're not holding our collective breaths. We'll save that for if and when we actually make it into the pool.<br /><br />This party will be fun, but it's meant much planning, running around, and emptying my wallet of money that was never really there in the first place. Man, an afternoon party for 22 people can get awfully expensive, even with three people splitting costs and doing it on the thrifty side. <br /><br />Then of course Sunday is Father's Day, so no rest for the wicked here. First it's brunch at my sister's with stepdad Dad, then we have to race home to my other sister's place (which happens to be close to us, thankfully) so that we can host our father for dinner. Yes, our family tree is a complicated one, with many a gnarled branch. <br /><br />I'll need a weekend to recover from my weekend.<br /><br />Thankfully I'll have a mere four and a half days back at work, then I'll be on staycation for two weeks. Two whole weeks - I don't know if I've had two weeks off in the summer since I was in uni. I can't wait. Hubs is off those two weeks too, so we'll find something to do, I'm sure. Unfortunately there are no trips or jaunts in our future due to finances, but we'll make it work. <br /><br />So that's some kind of update. Sorry you're getting more of the textbook walk through and not my more jovial self - it's only been a few hours since the pee dried on the stick and I can't seem to shake my feelings of sadness at another bust cycle. I didn't even cry when the last two didn't work out, but I've already shed a good number of tears today for this one. Stoopid hope. <br /><br />Doesn't help when it feels like everyone around me is pregnant. Of course I'm happy for them, especially friends who have struggled for so long, but it won't negate the sadness for me. Amazing how we as one being can simultaneously experience two completely polar opposite emotions. Lucky us. I'm starting to feel schizophrenic.<br /><br />Apologies again for the long delay, and thanks to those who've sent comments and spurred me back to my verbal vomiting grounds. <br /><br />Ew, that sounded kinda gross. <br /><br />Happy summer everyone!<br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-54788469874592684362009-04-09T08:38:00.002-05:002009-04-09T08:56:12.965-05:00Emerging from hibernationGreetings. <br /><br />Forgive me readers, for I have sinned.<br /><br />It's been way too long, well over a month, since my last post. <br /><br />But I have an excuse - I've been hibernating.<br /><br />I think the bears have it right. Snuggling up into a cave to sleep out the winter sounds like something I could really get behind. If you've read my posts of winters past, you know how I feel about that blasted season. I am no fan. Sure, I enjoy the holidays and that first winter's snowfall, but it all gets old. Fast. <br /><br />Especially when you're standing outside on a concrete platform, exposed to all the elements, waiting for a GO train that will never come because the switches are frozen. Or the signals don't work. Or there's some random equipment problem.<br /><br />Yes winter, I detest thee.<br /><br />It's also been not the most uplifting of times in my life. My last post was the day before the embryo transfer for our first attempt at a frozen cycle. Well, it didn't work. Not one bit. All that hope, energy and money, down the drain. Back to square one. Not a happy diva.<br /><br />And so I viscerally comprehend the concept of hibernation. <br /><br />I hibernate quite well when I'm down, upset at the universe. I like to be at home, can't wait to get to bed, and don't really do much of anything. I'm proud to say that I still find a way to haul my carcass to the gym etc, but I'm just not my regular dynamic self when I'd rather be hibernating.<br /><br />In order to keep myself busy and distracted (two very good things when your world comes crashing down) I've devoted a good portion of my free time to getting Hubs' birthday present together. I can't go into too much detail here at the moment, 'cause while he says he doesn't read the blog regularly and I totally believe him, I'd be uber pissed at myself if the secret got out because of my stupidity. So I'll fill y'all in mid-May once his birthday passes.<br /><br />Other than that it really is business as usual - or what everyone's referring to as the 'new normal'. Still waiting for Hubs to find out about school, still living paycheque to paycheque like everyone else, still thinking of ways we can cut back in an attempt to save. I'm sure most of you can, unfortunately, relate to at least one of those things. Good times, eh? Sigh.<br /><br />Work is going well so no complaints there. And the extra long weekend is just around the corner, the mere thought of which is the only thing that's kept me going these past few days. <br /><br />It's sunny again - and sunny makes me happy. We have four different colours of crocus in our garden, and that makes me happy. We're having Hubs' family over on Saturday and we always have a good time - so that makes me happy. We have the rest of the long weekend to ourselves - and that makes me very happy. I have to find a dessert recipe to make for Saturday night. That makes me a smidge stressy, but hopefully it'll all turn out, people will love it and yes, that will make me happy.<br /><br />Last weekend we had a girls night in and man oh man, do I have a great group of gal pals or what? I LOVE that we can all show up at 7pm and do nothing but eat and talk until well after 1am. No silences, no awkward pauses, no need for activities or something on tv to keep our attention - we just chat about our lives, the people we love and the ones we love to hate (ha!), and are just really there for each other. Yes, our girls nights always make me happy.<br /><br />So now that spring truly does seem to be here, I'm rubbing the metaphoric sleep from my eyes, stretching my arms wide, and emerging, blinking in the sunlight, into spring. <br /><br />And more importantly, back into my life.<br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-7512658368372185892009-03-01T22:29:00.002-05:002009-03-01T22:58:32.076-05:00It's embryo eveT'was the night before transfer and all through the house...<br /><br />Yeah, I tried, but I couldn't make it work. I'm too tired and it's late and I've got other things on my brain. So sorry, no classic poetry remakes for you today.<br /><br />Still, it is indeed the night before embryo transfer and I couldn't be more excited.<br /><br />That's right - circa 11:15am tomorrow, three of our five snow babies/kidsicles will be reconstituted and returned to their rightful home - my uterus. The preparations have been made, the silly green pills have been properly inserted, and the evil shots in the muscle of my upper ass have begun again in earnest.<br /><br />Yep, in just over twelve hours I'll take home Miney, Moe and Leroy. Those of you who've been with us for a while may remember that last time we transferred Eenie and Meanie. So we decided to stick with the theme this time, hence Miney and Moe. But since we're transferring three, we needed another name. <br /><br />And that's where Hubs came in.<br /><br />Leroy is in honour of Leroy Jenkins of World of Warcraft fame. He's a bit of a rogue who charges ahead and rushes the bad guys. Sure, he pissed off his fair share of compatriots fighting beside him, but he's got legions of fans now...and how can that be bad?<br /><br />Now normally I shun or mock all things WoW, but hey. If Hubs wants to put his stamp on the process, so be it. Go, Leroy, Go!<br /><br />So yeah, the funds are ready, I've taken my antibiotics, the lucky socks are out and ready to go, and I've even repainted my fingers (and toes this time) with OPI's La Paz-itively Hot because it has the word 'positive' in it (kinda) and that's what I'm aiming for - to stay positive so I can end up with a positive pregnancy test.<br /><br />The stage is set and it's all over but the cryin'. The cryin' that comes with the necessary full bladder to make the transfer possible, that is. Seriously, that's the only part of this whole thing that's even remotely uncomfortable. And that ain't nothing in the grand scheme of things.<br /><br />For now, that's pretty much all I've got. I'm sleepy and headachy since I can't have caffeine anymore, so sleep is totally calling me.<br /><br />Tomorrow I'll be pregnant! Well, technically, anyway. But I'll take it!<br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-72877669534182376672009-02-17T22:26:00.003-05:002009-02-17T22:55:43.756-05:00Finding humour in the silliest thingsHello everyone! Long time no write. I know, I know. I'm starting to not be so good at this! Sigh.<br /><br />I think winter has swallowed me whole. Ugh.<br /><br />I probably shouldn't have complained given the nice weather we've had lately. But complain I will! I want spring!<br /><br />This long weekend was super long thanks to taking Friday off as well. But it was super busy as well, it felt like I was run off my feet until late Monday afternoon.<br /><br />Just in time to go back to work. Pfft.<br /><br />Part of the reason it was so busy was that finally, FINALLY, things seemed to get back on track in the baby making department. Which of course meant that I needed to be up at 5:30 am on Monday morning to make that trek into the clinic.<br /><br />Goodie.<br /><br />Saaawwweet.<br /><br />Got home and went straight back to bed. That part rocked.<br /><br />Hehe.<br /><br />Yes, getting to the funny part now.<br /><br />So, as part of the protocol for all this stuff, you take drugs. Surprise! Drugs.<br /><br />The benefit of doing a frozen transfer is that you have to take a helluva lot fewer drugs than on a fresh cycle. Shorter timing, less emotional side effects, way less cost. All good things.<br /><br />So my drug taking started on day three of my cycle - Monday. The beginning part requires me to take estrace - an estrogen derivative - twice a day. Two little green pills each time, twice a day.<br /><br />Now, the difference here is that I don't just take these pills with a glass of O.J. or something like that. Nope.<br /><br />These pills? I gots ta take vaginally.<br /><br />Ooooooh lucky diva.<br /><br />Yep, I get to pop two of the little green tabs right on up there. Goodie!!!<br /><br />I had to do this with my last IVF procedure, but took fewer at that time. When things started to go badly, off the drugs I went and I tucked everything in the far back corner of the medicine cabinet for next time. If there was to be a next time.<br /><br />So when I got the call yesterday, the clinic told me to start taking them right away. I pulled out my trusty bottle, dusted it off, and got right to it. I only had eight left though, necessitating a refill toute suite so I'd be all stocked up for tomorrow and beyond.<br /><br />The fab nurse at the clinic faxed in the prescription for me and loving Hubs went to pick it up. Earlier tonight I was pulling everything, including that little Shoppers bag, out of my purse. And when I extracted the new bottle from it's wee paper bag, I broke into fits of hysterics after a single glance.<br /><br />I took a picture so you can enjoy it for yourself.<br /><br />There truly is humour to be found in the simplest of situations.<br /><br />So yeah, without further ado...and remembering that I have to take these bad boys vaginally...<br /><br />...wait for it...<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirTB1RrdrKmq3TFnmgh02mRLIGnI4gSolHfCQzdp8VlCN752D171NTfIM3pE49Z8gZZJDqqWe3WbktWBHUE_woWb19rdhzVl76sBffB9KgFPckzV42f4vFrxRvk9IZ9fOvlkgKbq6teb8/s1600-h/P1040290.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 287px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirTB1RrdrKmq3TFnmgh02mRLIGnI4gSolHfCQzdp8VlCN752D171NTfIM3pE49Z8gZZJDqqWe3WbktWBHUE_woWb19rdhzVl76sBffB9KgFPckzV42f4vFrxRvk9IZ9fOvlkgKbq6teb8/s400/P1040290.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5303979248728168866" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Bahahahahahahahahahahaha! <br /><br />Ooooooh the images that flooded my brain! Take with food!? TAKE WITH FOOD?<br /><br />What else, praytell, do I have to shove up there? Some saltines? A hard boiled egg chaser? Tee hee.<br /><br />So yeah, that's my uber giggle for the day. Enough to bring me back to blog land so I could share it all with you. Hope you laughed as hard as I did!<br /><br />Or maybe my sense of humour is just so warped these days that I'm the only one who actually finds this shit funny?<br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-23075959728515748052009-02-02T22:22:00.002-05:002009-02-02T22:38:49.736-05:00Hellllooooooo FebruaryYep, February. Month number two of this 2009. Shortest (and often coldest) month of the flipping year. <br /><br />And while February as a whole generally sucks ass, it has one thing going for it...<br /><br />It's not January anymore.<br /><br />I hate January. Once you get past new year's day it's all downhill. Cold, dark, nothing to look forward to...blech. It's a bitch.<br /><br />Surviving January is like a Canadian rite of passage, and dag yo, have we earned our winter Brownie badges this year! Tonnes of snow, frigid temperatures, massive heating bills, GO train delays...you name it, we've suffered through it. Hells, I even wore LONG JOHNS to work on more than one occasion in the first 31 days of the year.<br /><br />Now February is upon us and things are looking up a smidge. February brings us groundhog day (pfft - what a waste of a media rush if you ask me), Valentine's Day (can be both good and bad in almost any situation) and now Family Day (for those of us lucky enough to get it as a holiday).<br /><br />And best of all? Every day that passes is one day closer to spring.<br /><br />Anyone that knows me or has been following this blog over the years knows how much I detest winter and absolutely adore spring. I want to wear a lighter jacket. To not HAVE to wear boots every day. To not have to start the car five minutes before I want to leave the house. To be able to lick a metal pole without having my tongue stick to it.<br /><br />Well yeah. The last one is more abstract than concrete, sure. But I do look forward to the day when it would be POSSIBLE for me to do that. No worries, I'm not gonna run out and do it or anything like that.<br /><br />So there you go. Welcome February. I plan on enjoying thee and thine bounty for the next 26 days. <br /><br />But you bet your ass as soon as March shows his lovely face I'll toss you to the curb so fast you'll never know what hit ya. <br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-68788893367138448032009-01-19T22:38:00.002-05:002009-01-19T23:06:09.932-05:00Just another mortified Monday<span class="post">Hello, my lovelies! <br /><br />Hope you've all had a good weekend and are as happy as I am to have Monday now behind you. While I'm not now and never have been a huge fan of the Monday, these days I find myself actually looking forward to them for one reason and one reason only:<br /><br />The Bachelor. <br /><br />Ooooooh boy. I am well and truly addicted to this show and just can't get enough. And this week I was, once again, not disappointed. Gotta love the drama! But if only he'd let that pukey silly psycho stalker Shannon chick go I'd be so much happier, ya know? <br /><br />But I digress.<br /><br />While I was abuzz with sweet anticipation for The Bachelor this evening, I also had some fab good times to look forward to first thing in the morning.<br /><br />My annual colposcopy. <br /><br />http://womenshealth.about.com/cs/cevicalconditions/a/colposcopy.htm<br /><br />In a nutshell, it's a glorified Pap. Yeah, good times. Click the link - always good to be educated on cervical health. It's my good deed for the day - inform thyself. :)<br /><br />This has truly been a banner week for doctors picking about my girlie bits. Flippin speculums have seen more action than Hubs, for pete's sake! Sigh...<br /><br />So each time it's always kinda weird since I work very closely with the doctor who does the procedure. Like, I've met her family, she's met Hubs numerous times, I raise money for her research, etc. So it's always that little bit awkward that she gets to be intimate with my cervix, but whatevs.<br /><br />So I'm sitting on the table with the sheet draped over me and we're chatting, then it's time to skooch into position. So I slide...<br /><br />And I tooted.<br /><br />Not quietly.<br /><br />OMG.<br /><br />I was beside myself. Mortified. <br /><br />Fortunately we were all chatting still and the rustle of the deli paper helped muffle some of the offending sound - but STILL!<br /><br />It's always been my worst fear and today it came true!<br /><br />After all this time, all these cooter cams and random tests and cervix checks, ugh. I've survived each and every one of them without airing my gassy grievances. There have been some close calls but by gawd I've managed to hold them in and stop them from becoming that unwanted presence in the room.<br /><br />But not this time. No.<br /><br />And of course it wasn't in front of some random stranger I'll never see again, noooooo, but someone I work with! That I had to call this afternoon to talk about a work related issue. Yeesh. <br /><br />This'll serve me right for trying to eat healthy. Danged fibre.<br /><br />Alas, tomorrow is another day. Hopefully I'll be able to keep my toots to myself.<br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?<br /></span>divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-45715087551643787142009-01-12T21:26:00.002-05:002009-01-12T22:26:05.464-05:00So far so good!So here we are, a mere 12 days into this new year, and already things are looking up for us.<br /><br />Since you've asked no, my period never came. <span class="post">So I went in Friday morning for a random day 3 since I haven't had said period since my miscarriage and it didn't look like one was coming.<br /><br />But that's okay! Here's why:<br /><br />Back on November 21, 11 days after the miscarriage, my lining was super thick at 1.3 cm. Sorry for all the technical talk, but it is what it is. :) Yikes. I would have expected it to be much less, considering how much I bled during the stupid thing. But still, I knew I needed to have another good bleed before the frozen embryo transfer, hence all that time on birth control pill to ensure it actually happened.<br /><br />But I never got said period, so they brought me in Friday to see what's what, and it just doesn't make any sense.<br /><br />Remember, I hadn't had a bleed since the miscarriage - November 10. My appointment was January 9. My lining back then was 1.3. Friday? It's 0.67.<br /><br />WTF? Where did it all go? All my hormone levels were textbook day 3 numbers. And so I was stuck at day 3.<br /><br />Technically, we could start the FET process right now, but when I spoke to the nurse I said I was less concerned about the timeline this time and more about making sure everything is RIGHT. That we go into it with IDEAL conditions to increase our chances.<br /><br />So instead of moving forward, on Wednesday I'm having an endometrial biopsy. Fun. Then I have to wait a few WEEKS for those results to come back, THEN do another random blood work and ultrasound to see if my body is STILL stuck at day 3 (which it likely will be, thanks to the delightful polycystic ovary syndrome) and then we go from there.<br /><br />If everything is okay with the biopsy, then we can potentially just move into the FET, not needing to bring on a new bleed because the conditions are already good.<br /><br />Again, WTF?<br /><br />I asked what they were looking for in the biopsy, and the nurses response was 'we don't know, but we want to be sure everything's okay'.<br /><br />Okay. I guess.<br /><br />So I was kinda freaked out, but kinda reassured that we can rule out anything bad before we invest more time and energy and money in all this stuff. And I've since learned that this procedure can actually help make the lining 'stickier' for embryos during transfer. So again, I'll take all the help I can get.<br /><br />Interestingly enough, despite the time lag, I'm actually a bit relieved. Relieved that we're taking every necessary step to make this right...and that we have that much more time to get the money together. <br /><br />'Cause January's a bitchy month to try and come up with a few grand in extra cash! But now it's not the cash holding us back, it's the process. And I'm surprisingly at peace with that. <br /><br />But now the real good news! <br /><br />As background...you've heard me wax poetic (sarcasm) about our lovely Kia Rio 5. We've had it since September 2005 and our four year lease is, therefore, up this year.<br /><br />Yeah, never lease. Leasing is bad. Let this be your lesson of the day, dear readers. Leasing is a crock. <br /><br />Ahem.<br /><br />Leasing was a good idea for us at the time. But with Hubs' extra travel for work, we added a gazmillion extra kms on the car that weren't covered by our lease. Like, we're already 26,000 kms over. <br /><br />And it's January.<br /><br />And each extra km is $.10. Yowzers. That's some serious coin.<br /><br />So come September, we were going to have to pay about $4,000 to pay off the extra kms and just give the stinking car back OR shuck out $7,700 to buy a car we didn't really want to keep (hence leasing in the first place). And all of this would have relied on my bonus coming in in July - and I think we all realize that bonuses sure ain't guaranteed in this economic climate.<br /><br />Then out of the blue, a sales guy from Blank Kia (not naming the dealership, 'cause as much as I hate them I ain't a fan of getting in trouble for badmouthing them on the interwebz) calls and speaks to Hubs. Says hey! We notice your lease is coming up and we'd like to get you into a new car!!!<br /><br />We'll eat some of the kms! Help break the lease!! Low monthly payments!! Great interest rates!!!<br /><br />Hubs calls me at work to relay the conversation and my curiosity was piqued. So immediately, I asked him to call our local Kia and see if they'd match the deal.<br /><br />Well whaddya know! Sure enough, they went for it, and so on Wednesday night we pick up our 2009 Rondo. <br /><br />I can't even begin to explain what a huge fucking relief this is for us. No more worrying about what could happen since ours is no longer under warranty. We knew the brakes would have to be replaced very soon - now we don't have to worry about that! It needed new tires - not our problem! Now we won't need to renew our CAA membership in February. <br /><br />So. much. relief. <br /><br />And it came at us right out of left field, and I couldn't be happier. I feel like our luck is finally turning, that for a change, the universe is on our side. I feel good about our prospects now, generally speaking, and can't even begin to describe the contentment that I feel knowing this one piece of the puzzle has been taken care of for us now. <br /><br />And hey - if our bonus actually does get paid out, I can actually use it to pay off debt and make other good things happen! So flippin exciting.<br /><br />2009? So far, so good. I'll take it!!!<br /><br />And that's your daily dash...how's your diva doin'?<br /></span>divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-56636688251356382752009-01-05T21:55:00.002-05:002009-01-05T22:27:48.663-05:00The silly things we wish forI'm waiting for and desperately wanting the weirdest of things. My period.<br /><br />I know, I know. It's not generally considered chic to discuss ones menstrual cycles in public. No one really wants to read about the arrival patterns of good ole Aunt Flo.<br /><br />And more often than not, said period is not something that often tops a gal's wish list. Unless, of course, you're 20 and coming off a trampage the likes of which you barely remember. Then, there's no more blessed sight than your monthly friend.<br /><br />But alas, here we are. I guess I'm not chic. And I'm definitely not 20 anymore. <br /><br />No, I'm waiting to begin my next surf on the crimson wave so that we can get our frozen embryo cycle underway. I've spent six weeks off and on birth control pills, and the stupid biotch should have made her presence known on Saturday.<br /><br />As of today...nada. Nothing. Nary a sign. Booooo.....<br /><br />I even had to call and cancel tomorrow's appointment. And now I have to wait until I actually make it to day three to go in. Dag yo, I haven't even made it to day one yet! <br /><br />And of course, like all things in our lives, this minor setback will now translate into something more substantial. Looks like we'll miss the window of our doctor's availability and instead of the third week of January, we'll now have to wait until the first or second week of February for the transfer to happen.<br /><br />Of course!<br /><br />Oh well. In the long run I'm really not freaking out all that much. The great news is that there's so much more flexibility in how these cycles work than the fresh ones, which are extremely regimented. And hey - a few extra weeks gives us that much more time to cobble together the funds necessary to actually make the transfer happen. And that is never a bad thing.<br /><br />So in the meantime...I wait. <br /><br />And wait, and wait, and wait.<br /><br />I hope the day will come very soon where I'll be delighted to bid the period adieu for almost 10 months. 'Cause that would mean I'm actually pregnant, ya know?<br /><br />But for now, I'd be perfectly content for her to show her face so we can get this show on the road. So send me some period wishes, will ya?<br /><br />I think that's the strangest sentence I've ever typed in over two years of writing this blog.<br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-66689385909378958022009-01-02T22:25:00.003-05:002009-01-02T23:30:09.932-05:00Welcome to 2009Well hellooooooooo there. Long time no see.<br /><br />Much has happened since my last foray into blogworld, that's for sure. As always I apologize for my lengthy absence, but I think taking a break from many facets of my life, including reporting even the most minute of details of said life here in me blog, was a good thing. <br /><br />Yes, as Martha Stewart would say, it was a good thing.<br /><br />So, uh, hope you had a great holiday, and Happy New Year! I delighted in having almost two weeks off work, and while I love it, am lamenting my return on Monday. I could still use more time! I'm sure I'm not alone here, yes? And of course I have absolutely nothing to complain about, seeing as I had two full weeks off. So I guess I'll quit while I'm ahead.<br /><br />Not that I can actually complain at all in the work department. December was a good month for me - I confirmed two $2 million donations and a $12.5 million gift. I was deliriously happy at this progress, and am so thankful to these wonderful families that are doing truly transformational things. But even so, I was quite content to get away from it all and just relax for the holidays.<br /><br />We had a lovely Christmas at my sister's house in Waterloo. They're wonderful people, always so hospitable and kind, and their home is warm and inviting. A great place to relax with family and enjoy the furor that is the holidays in our family. Especially when my nephew's birthday happens to fall on Christmas Eve! <br /><br />There were presents galore for the four kids, and much good food and laughter. All in all, a nice, albeit quick, Christmas trip.<br /><br />After the presents were open and we had gorged on breakfast, we packed up the car and headed back east to Brampton and my sister in law's home for dinner. Another lovely meal, much frivolity, an incident involving stuffing being flung into a wine glass...you get the picture. <br /><br />And then, a few hours later, we were home. The flurry of activity that was the past few weeks caught up with us, and we slept for something insane like 13 hours straight. A record, if you ask me.<br /><br />Emotionally I also fared reasonably well, all things considered. I only had two meltdowns, a number I'm actually rather pleased about. I had no idea how the holidays would impact me, if finally being able to stop and rest (yeah, that whole two and a half days off work post miscarriage really doesn't promote much in the way of emotional healing) would allow the floodgates to open and the damns to break. So all in all, I feel rather okay about how I made it through.<br /><br />The first came on our way to Waterloo. We'd decided to take the 407 and were listening to Mariah Carey's Christmas album at the time. I was in good spirits - had my Tims in my hand, was on vacation, had presents galore in the car, and was singing along. Then her song "I Miss You Most At Christmastime" came on. No big whoop. All is fine.<br /><br />Until we pass the exit we took to get to the hospital the night of the miscarriage. <br /><br />Yeah, not a good combination if you ask me. <br /><br />It was the first time we'd travelled that road since it had happened. And everything came rushing back to me. The song lyrics stuck out in a way they never had before. And the tears.just.came. Bang. <br /><br />Of course I couldn't react, couldn't do anything, couldn't let on, because DeeDee was sitting in the back seat. And she has no idea that any of this has even gone down, so quiet sobs were the order of the day.<br /><br />Fortunately I was able to change the song on the CD and just cry it out of my system quickly. And then it was on to the next carol.<br /><br />The second came Christmas Eve just after dinner. We'd finished eating and cleaning, and were all just getting ready to sit and digest the mountain of food we'd just demolished. My dad and brother in law were in the living room chatting, and the television was on in the background. Their main level is quite open, so you can hear the tv from pretty much anywhere.<br /><br />And just as I was chatting with my mom and sister, it came on tv. The Pamper's commercial, the one where a woman is quietly singing Silent Night as they show pictures of beautiful sleeping babies. Instant tears.<br /><br />For some reason, this one gets me going like nothing else on earth. It's practically Pavlovian. I think it's worse, because the night of (or the day after, who can remember) the miscarriage, Hubs and I were lying in bed getting ready to sleep and it came on. I begged him to turn the sound off, the tv off, anything...and ever since I've done the same any time I've stumbled upon it on tv. And ever since, Hubs has been on remote control duty to just make it stop.<br /><br />Sure enough, Hubs is in the other room and is chatting with my sister, so doesn't realize it's come on. The tv is too far away for me to do anything, so I immediately just leave the room, cower in a corner, and burst into tears, trying not to make a spectacle of myself. My mom and sister come over and try to comfort me as best as they can, then finally poor Hubs realizes what's happened and poor guy, feels like shit because he didn't hear it, couldn't stop it, couldn't protect me.<br /><br />Have I mentioned lately how fantastically sweet and protective of me he is?<br /><br />As with the first incidence it came on fast and dissipated just as quickly (thankfully) and I could get on with the evening. But all things considered, I certainly could have done without tears on Christmas Eve.<br /><br />The week between Christmas and New Years passed insanely quickly. We did some cleaning, some baking, lots of sleeping. We hosted my younger sisters for dinner one night which was great - we don't often have the chance to get together and chat, especially without our mutual parent (Dad) around, so that was quite cool. <br /><br />Then, thanks to the generosity of my fabulous sister in law (who now lives with us, btw - another new but wonderful in every way development) and my good friend Ami bringing the sweet deal to my attention, Hubs and I spent a night in Niagara Falls in a huge king bed, two person whirlpool suite. We walked down Clifton Hill, got some fudge from our fave shop, made our donation to the casino, had a super yummy steak dinner at the Keg, then...well, the rest is none of your bidness, right? :) But suffice it to say, it was the mini-break from real life that we both so desperately needed. Time away from everything to just relax, be, and enjoy each other.<br /><br />Many times. <br /><br />Ahem.<br /><br />So yeah, where are we now? Oh yes, New Years. <br /><br />I love New Year's Eve. One of my fave holidays of the entire year. It's entire raison d'etre is to celebrate. Party. Countdown. Drink champagne and, if you're lucky, eat yummy cheeses.<br /><br />We were very lucky.<br /><br />Our delightful and gracious hostess Nat took very good care of us in all of these departments. There had to be at least 7 kinds of cheese. <br /><br />It was good.<br /><br />It was lovely to just hang out with friends, eat good food, laugh, kick some Guitar Hero ass, and welcome in 2009 with a more-than-mild buzz and some pink champagne in my glass. Many of us were glad to bid adieu to the year that was, which just made the celebrations all that much heartier. A good time was had by all, and I can't thank Nat and her hubby enough for hosting us. :)<br /><br />New Year's Day we hosted Hubs' family here for dinner. His mom made her patented Swiss Steak at home then Hubs picked her and the dinner up mid afternoon. The food was great! What isn't so great is that a not insignificant portion of it sloshed out from the pan onto the passenger side floor mats of our Kia, leaving behind a pool of meat juice.<br /><br />We now drive around in a meatmobile. <br /><br />Ugh - it stinks. I have no idea how we're going to get the stank outta things. And this is WITH the mat being out of the car. Any suggestions? Dear Heloise, how do you get the stink of beef of of your floormats? Sigh.<br /><br />And here we are, caught up to today. Friday, January 2. The last non-working work day before I head back. <br /><br />Hubs and I decided to take advantage of a Cineplex gift card we were kindly given for Christmas and head out to see Marley & Me. Remind me never to go to an afternoon showing of a movie when kids still aren't back in school ever again. Ugh.<br /><br />Hubs and the white trash daddy behind us nearly came to blows at one point. Never a dull moment! Apparently daddy, his wife and his two smallish kids obviously thought they were still in their own living room while watching the movie. They talked at pretty much full voice, but what made me mental was the girl rustling her popcorn bag. Normally wouldn't be a big deal, but it was a bag of MICROWAVE popcorn they'd brought from home. You know how much noise those things make? Now put that in with a quiet movie and it's as annoying as hell.<br /><br />So I kept doing my glance-over-the-shoulder-with-a-stern-look thing and the kid says, 'why is that woman looking at me?'<br />Mom, full voice: that woman keeps looking at her!<br />Me: yes, you're making a lot of noise, please be quiet<br />Mom: she's only eating popcorn!<br />Me: and talking<br />Daddy and all three of his teeth: ahhhh shuddup<br />Me, fuming: no, YOU shut up, that was my point<br /><br />and I went back to watching the movie.<br /><br />20 or so seconds later, Hubs leans in and asks me if the guy told me to shut up. I nodded, but told him to just leave it alone. Then they got into a nice staring contest after the movie was over and I think the guy realized it likely wasn't a good idea to say anything more. So he walked away.<br /><br />Silly boys. Mine is rather protective. <br /><br />Double sigh. <br /><br />Now it's 11pm and I'm tired. But thankfully I still have the weekend to start getting back into a working/commuting head space and to kick back and relax a little bit longer. The house is clean, the decorations are down and put away, order is coming back to my life.<br /><br />Come Monday we'll get back to a good routine of eating better and going back to the gym so I can feel like I'm doing something good again for my physical (and, by extension, mental) health. Then Tuesday morning it's back to the fertility clinic as we get ready to try this whole let's get pregnant thing all over again. <br /><br />So here's to 2009. May it bring us all prosperity, health, happiness, and the things we desire most out of life. May it be better than the last in every way that matters. And most of all, here's to surviving 2008, to living to envision and hopefully experience a better year to come. <br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-70893972920771663812008-11-30T20:23:00.003-05:002008-12-01T11:29:19.178-05:00Thankfully...Things are getting better. They are.<br /><br />I think my last post was a super downer and as such, lead people to draw conclusions that oversimplified the matter.<br /><br />First, as I said in a comment on the last post, Thursday's offering was a snapshot of how I felt at a particular time, in that very moment. Even a few minutes later, once I'd gotten everything out there, I started to feel better. And today I feel better still.<br /><br />My friend S had her baby last night. I'm ecstatic for her and her wonderful hubby - truly I am. I was honoured and happy to be the go to person who got the updates from her/her husband and relayed them to our circle of friends.<br /><br />My friend L had her baby shower today and I was very glad I went. We had a lovely time, she looked amazing, and she got some wonderful things. I rocked the clothespin game, had some yummy food, and enjoyed hanging out with my friends. I may not have pleased Great Aunt Beverly who took an almost instant disliking to me when I took her clothespins but hey, you can't befriend everyone, right?<br /><br />So yes, I'm okay. I am happy for my friends and have been able to pull myself out of where I was a mere three days ago. And that's a good thing! Isn't it?<br /><br />I'm having a really hard time though, knowing that one of my friends, someone who obviously knows me well, thinks that I'm blaming other friends for their success, that I shouldn't be surprised if those friends decide it's time to rethink their friendship with me.<br /><br />This one really rocked me. I barely even know how to respond. I...I'm speechless, because I can't figure out who thinks this way, who thinks this way about me.<br /><br />Anyway, just wanted to give that bit of an update for those that were worried about me or thinking that I'm in some nasty place without any hope of escape. Yes, Thursday was a shit day through and through. But thankfully those feelings, while so very valid at the time (and therefore I will offer no apologies for having them), have ebbed and today is another, brighter day.<br /><br />Thanks to those of you that understand, and to those that don't, talk to me. Send me a fb message, whatever, but please...own what you say so we can actually discuss it.<br /><br />Hope everyone had a great weekend and is ready to make the leap into December tomorrow!!!<br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-23742847811267446862008-11-27T19:17:00.002-05:002008-11-27T19:50:28.783-05:00I should be...Today, I should be 12 weeks pregnant.<br /><br />I should be getting ready to scream from the rooftops that we're pregnant. That we're almost in our second trimester, in that oh-so-coveted safe zone.<br /><br />I should be finishing those nasty progesterone shots and estrace tablets up the hoo ha. <br /><br />I should be celebrating with glee my friend's new baby girl, another friend's impending birth (truly any day now) and yet another friend's long awaited IVF success.<br /><br />I should be reveling in my recent work success, proud of myself for what I've managed to accomplish.<br /><br />I should be looking forward to a good friend's baby shower this weekend, ready to enjoy the pink-ness of it all as she's having a girl.<br /><br />I should be gearing up for the holidays, thinking of all the necessities and frivolities to add to my Christmas wish list this year.<br /><br />I should be....happier. Smiley-er. More carefree. Jovial, even.<br /><br />But I'm not.<br /><br />Right now, I'm none of those things.<br /><br />Instead of being a third of the way there, I'm still dealing with the emotional and physical side effects of a miscarriage only two and a half weeks ago. I tear up for no specific reason over the smallest of things. Commercials, not even baby ones, make me cry. Every once in a while it just smacks me right between the eyes and I'm temporarily paralyzed by it all.<br /><br />Instead of shouting from the rooftops, I'm screaming on the inside every time someone asks me if I have children. If we plan on it. When I hear someone talking about their kids on the GO train. When I see a happy pregnant woman walking by. <br /><br />Instead of progesterone and estrace, I'm back on the birth control pill, trying to help shed the lining still left over. To keep us on track and prepare us for our next try. Here comes the mood swings and crazy acne. Awesome. <br /><br />Instead of celebrating, I'm keeping a safe distance by keeping in touch via Facebook, wanting to be more supportive to my friend who's now 24 hours away from being induced but not knowing how to do it, and feeling terribly jealous of my friend and her success because I so desperately want it to be me. Think it should be me. Not me in place of her, but still. <br /><br />I'm a horrible person.<br /><br />Instead of being happy about work and what I've done over this past week, I...it just doesn't register. The president of our organization actually sent me two dozen deep pink long stemmed roses to congratulate me for a job well done and while I've totally enjoyed them, it's all just so tainted. Spoiled. I feel like I'm cheating myself out of happiness.<br /><br />Instead of looking forward to the shower, getting the chocolates together that I think I'll make to take with me, I'm dreading the experience. I want to be there for her and will totally go, but I couldn't even muster the intestinal fortitude to RSVP - a friend had to do it for me. Who the hell have I become? <br /><br />And instead of putting that Christmas wish list together, I'm stuck trying to come up with creative ways to tell family members that this year, instead of presents, I'd much prefer cash because we need to cobble together $2,200 by the third week of January to try again. That nothing else is more needed or wanted than that. That this year, embryos trump clothes hands down.<br /><br />Sure, it's not always like this. I have moments of laughter. The sun does peek through the clouds. I'm not this bitter, resentful, hurtful person 24 hours of every day. <br /><br />But today, when I should be 12 weeks pregnant and looking forward to all the wonderful things to come, I just can't. Can't be smiley. Can't be jovial. Can't be my normal happy-go-lucky self. <br /><br />Someone tell me it gets better...<br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-67724074649783003872008-11-11T14:09:00.003-05:002008-11-11T14:25:55.493-05:00A comment on commentsHello my lovely readers.<br /><br />I just wanted to paste here a comment I made in reference to the comments in yesterday's post. <br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Thank you all so much for the comments and kind words. They are very much appreciated. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">You may notice a few posts have been deleted. Please note that I have taken them down not because there was anything offensive or because I didn't appreciate what was written but because they contained my and Hubs' real names. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">While most of you know exactly who we are, I do try to keep real names out of this blog as much as possible to protect certain people, particularly DeeDee. And since it's not possible for me or most people to go in and edit comments after they're made, I had to delete them instead. Sucks, but unfortunately what needs to be done to protect some important people. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Hope you understand, and thanks again for the kind words. Diva</span><br /><br />So yeah, hope that makes sense. I love seeing the comments and the support is hugely valuable so I sincerely hope no one takes this personally because it's not meant to be that way at all. <br /><br />In other news, today's been a very hard day. I think it's finally hitting me...crushing down on me, for that matter.<br /><br />I started bawling for no reason at all, just sitting on the couch. I knew I had to call the clinic to find out what the next steps would be, but I also knew that even talking to them had the potential to throw me into a tailspin, so I put it off until the first wave of tears had passed. <br /><br />Of course, I finally got through and it didn't go well. My doctor and my nurse are both gone this week, so I had to talk to someone else. Who wasn't all that available, and simply told the receptionist what to say instead of talking to me directly. Pain in the ass. <br /><br />The worst part was the inane receptionist who kept saying 'pregnancy test' over and over again. That I've apparently been booked in for a 'pregnancy test' on November 24 and I'll have to keep coming back for 'pregnancy tests' until my levels are zero.<br /><br />Yeah, okay, I get that - but I just told you I had a miscarriage. Yesterday. You work at a fucking fertility clinic. Everyone else says beta, why the fuck can't you? Grrr. I got so frustrated at the end of it that I just gave up, said I would talk to Tom when he got back and we'd take care of it from there. Then I hung up, crying. Just couldn't take it anymore! <br /><br />Hubs called work and said I needed another day, which I desperately do. Not only is the emotional stuff hitting me, but there's pain now, pain I never expected. Cramps but more than cramps....not cool at all. <br /><br />Anyway, I'm still in my pj's and that's okay. I'm watching last week's 90210 while Hubs is off at the grocery store picking up some staples for our hibernation. We had originally talked about going to see a movie and using our Keg gift card for dinner, but given my breakdown of today, hibernation is indeed the name of the game. <br /><br />How novel - a mid-day update from me. Hope you're all having a better day than I am, and thanks again for understanding the whole comments thing. :)<br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-17123427006203361042008-11-10T19:17:00.002-05:002008-11-10T20:49:19.006-05:00Closure***warning - this is a very long and at times, graphic post***<br /><br />After six weeks of agonizing limbo, it's finally over. I'm no longer pregnant.<br /><br />Despite everything, I never thought it would happen naturally. I truly believed that we'd be kept in limbo for as long as the universe deemed necessary, then I'd finally be able to go for a D&C and that, as they say, would be that.<br /><br />We were supposed to go to the clinic today at 10am for another ultrasound. One to see if there was still a heartbeat. One to help us make plans going forward. I did get an ultrasound this morning - but not at the clinic, and not at 10am. Instead, I had one at our local hospital.<br /><br />After spending a fantastic day yesterday at Elmwood spa with my fabulous sister in law, I was wiped. DH and I flopped on the couch, had comfort food for dinner and watched the latest Chris Rock special on TMN. Then we headed off to bed just before 11, exhausted from our weekend.<br /><br />Just over two hours later, I woke up. I had been dreaming that I was miscarrying, in a car of all places, in the desert. Weird, but true. When I awoke, I thought I had just soaked the sheets thanks to hormone induced night sweats, all too common in my world these days. And then something clicked. I knew, just knew, that wasn't the case.<br /><br />I got up, moved quickly to the bathroom, and turned on the light.<br /><br />I apologize if things get graphic from here on out. I realize that not everyone is comfortable, nor should they necessarily be, talking about things like miscarriage and blood and passing large clots...but this is as much catharsis for me as it is update for you. So bear with me, and feel free to turn away or skip over portions if need be.<br /><br />Back to the bathroom. I sat down on the toilet and there was blood everywhere. Running down my legs, all over the floor, on the carpet, you name it. Like a bad horror movie come to life. <br /><br />I sat there, stunned, disbelieving that this was actually happening. How could I have gone from zero to bang in a matter of hours? No cramps, nothing. No advanced notice whatsoever. And then all I could think was how thankful I was that this hadn't happened 12 hours earlier, while floating in the salt water pool that's part of the water therapies at Elmwood. <br /><br />But I digress.<br /><br />I was truly in shock. Couldn't move. Wasn't fully awake. Couldn't process.<br /><br />Eventually I got it together enough to wake Hubs. I just called his name, and said "something has happened". That he should check the bed, the sheets were probably covered. And I was right.<br /><br />He sprung into action, stripping the bed so I didn't have to see it. Sheets straight into the washer along with the duvet cover. Mattress pad to follow. Bless his heart, he remade the bed so I could get back in, but put a garbage bag and towel down underneath the sheets so I wouldn't be worried about making more mess. <br /><br />Still stunned, I stumbled into the shower to clean myself up. Surreal - again, right out of a horror movie watching that crimson water swirl down the drain, taking with it so much of the hopes and dreams we'd invested in the entire IVF process and the pregnancy as a whole.<br /><br />I dried off, put on a pad, and sat stunned on the chair in our bedroom while Hubs, not quite awake, decided that Windex was the perfect cleaning tool for the blood on the carpet. A few ticks later and he remembered that we had a SpotBot...problem solved.<br /><br />I went and laid down in bed and seconds later had the strangest sensation. Again, gross here, but part of the natural miscarriage process is the expulsion of massive clots, and in that moment I passed what was to be the first of many many many freaky, mess with your mind clots. Not cool. <br /><br />Back to the washroom, and then I noticed I'd soaked through the pad. 10 minutes, and nothing but red. Then I knew that we were on our way to the ER, no questions asked.<br /><br />Hubs set to work getting clothes together for me, starting the car to warm it up, putting towels down on the seat, putting in a second load of laundry. I put on some deodorant, the clothes he'd laid out for me, and grabbing a whole whack of pads, I headed downstairs. Just before leaving, I changed the pad again. By this time I was quite scared - I'd never bled that much or that fast in my entire life.<br /><br />Into the car we got and we made our way to the hospital. We decided not to go to our closer hospital, but to take the extra time to get to one with a well known ob/gyn department as it's hugely important that to us that everything possible be considered so when we're ready, we'll be free and clear to try again.<br /><br />The trip took less than 30 minutes, and by the time I got out of the car I'd soaked through everything - the pad, my underwear, my pants and onto the towel on the seat. Excellent thinking on that one, Hubs.<br /><br />I stumbled into the ER and straight to triage where I stood. And waited. Finally someone came out and I told her I was miscarrying. Plain and simple. We knew it was coming, we knew exactly how far along I was (and when the baby had stopped developing) so while a shock, it was no real surprise. <br /><br />From there I flew to the washroom in an attempt to apply fresh field dressings, as Hubs called them. I was greeted with blood everywhere - I can't even begin to explain the fear of seeing that much blood, to have it simply gush like a river right out of you. To have clots everywhere, not knowing which, if any, contained what had been your baby. Some of you reading this will know what I mean all too well - and if so, I apologize for bringing back memories you'll likely never be rid of. But you'll understand better than most.<br /><br />I attempted to pull myself together, tried to clean myself and the bathroom as best as I could. Then I waddled over to check in, and this time they took me seriously and took me quickly into my own little room in the ER. I could finally get out of my clothes, put on a fresh pad, and just lie down. <br /><br />They took my vitals, and my blood pressure was 180/98. Yeah, no shit. Could I BE anymore stressed? Guess not.<br /><br />But even in the room of my own, I couldn't relax. The clots just kept coming, and I soaked through everything. The pad, the gowns I was wearing, the pads on the bed, the sheet itself. Every half hour.<br /><br />Then my loving husband had a stroke of genius - he found me some adult diapers, yes diapers, and I could finally relax with confidence, knowing I was protected. The nurse came in, started an IV in the worst possible place, the crook of my right arm, and the saline started its work. They took blood, and told me to relax.<br /><br />The night staff were amazing. I had two male nurses that were absolutely incredible - great sense of humour, really explained everything that was happening, and, maybe most importantly, they actually expressed sorrow at what we were going through. Amazing what a little kindness can accomplish.<br /><br />Then we saw the doctor, and he recommended I get pitocin/oxytoxin, a hormone that causes the uterus to contract. This would apparently help to ensure everything was expelled and that the bleeding would subside, because it just.wasn't.letting.up. <br /><br />Of course a lovely side effect of this medication is extra cramping, really feeling like you're having contractions. All things considered I was fortunate - I never really had massive cramping, and the pain was never unbearable. I thank the universe for that.<br /><br />My wonderful sister in law showed up then, having made a trip to our house to pick up clothes for me so I'd actually have something to wear home. Bless bless bless her. <br /><br />Hours went by and we waited for our OB consult. But first, I needed an ultrasound so they could know what they were dealing with and if a D&C was necessary. So at around 7:30 am, I was told that my ultrasound would be at 9:30 and I needed to drink four glasses of water to fill my bladder.<br /><br />Okey dokey then.<br /><br />Having done a gazillion full bladder ultrasounds, I know how much I have to drink and when. So I based my consumption on being ready for 9:30. You can imagine, then, the lack of bladder fullness I presented with when they took me to ultrasound half an hour early.<br /><br />Now, through all of this, as scary and hard as it was, I hadn't yet cried at the hospital. These days I cry at any and everything, so this was a big feat. I'd managed to hold it together...until I made it to ultrasound.<br /><br />They wheeled me over, me madly trying to swig back glass of water number two. Then as we got in the room, they took my glass and tossed it down the sink, saying I couldn't drink while laying down anyway. Okay.<br /><br />Then all hell broke loose. The technician, a raging thundercunt if ever there was one, tried to tell Hubs that he should wait outside, that there were going to be things he didn't really want to be seeing going on. <br /><br />Shock and awe. <br /><br />He fought his way in, saying he'd been with me through all this and wasn't leaving me alone now. He'd seen how many ultrasounds - he wasn't stepping outside now.<br /><br />She fought him - he won. <br /><br />And then the good times started in earnest. She tried to do the full bladder ultrasound, but told me I was empty and they weren't going to see anything that way. I felt like a child being chastised - just what I needed. <br /><br />Then she asked me what brought me to the emergency room this morning. Diva says WHUT? Do you really have to ask me that? You know exactly why I'm here! Ugh.<br /><br />Then she asked about the date of my last menstrual period. I said I didn't know, but knew exactly how far along I should be, and she, in the snippiest of tones, asked how I could possibly know that. I replied that this was an IVF pregnancy, gave her all the details, and she asked if my clinic had sent the info over to the hospital for them to review. <br /><br />Uh, well, they might have had anyone asked us to ask them, but nope. They're not mind readers. They're good, they're not that good.<br /><br />Finally she makes me get up to put the silly pillow thing under my butt for the internal. I give her some guidance on how to insert the probe properly and easily, and she tells me that I'm going to insert it myself.<br /><br />Yeah, like that's easy. I have a short IV line in my right hand, and I'm right handed. The danged IV box kept going off all the time as it was because I would have to bend my arm from time to time - now you want me to bend my arm and run the risk of ripping out my IV to insert the probe myself? Fuck you very much.<br /><br />Finally we're in and she gets to work. Says nothing. Clicks, snaps, measures, whatever, then takes out the probe and gives me a small box of Kleenex to 'clean up with'. I asked if she could see anything, and she snapped right back that the doctor would review it and get back to me. <br /><br />Okey dokey then.<br /><br />She leaves. Gone.<br /><br />Another nurse comes in and gives me bigger, better wipes to use. As I'm sure you can imagine, this all makes quite a mess, not something that can be cleaned up easily with a half sized kleened with an IV line that doesn't give me enough slack to scratch my own nose. <br /><br />By this point I'm standing up, trying to reorient myself and throw away all the wipes I'd been given. I'm straightening out the covers, tryin to figure out how to get back on the bed, and my IV line alarm starts going off, the nurses keep pushing in to see if I'm ready to go back to the ER, and at this point, I lost it. I just burst into tears. I was so frustrated, the alarm wouldn't stop, I felt dehumanized and humilated - truly awful. <br /><br />I lost it with tears, Hubs lost it with the nursing staff. He called them out - 'will someone please get over here and help my wife?' He got action, that's for sure. They helped me navigate back into bed and got me the hell outta there. What a horrible experience.<br /><br />Finally back to the ward (I'd been kicked out of my private room and squished amongst the other sickies) and it was all about waiting for my ultrasound results and the final say from the doctor. By this time, it was well after 10am and I was starving. Of course I couldn't eat anything in case they had to do the D&C, so I sat there, watching the minutes pass, craving coffee and a bagel.<br /><br />At long long last, the doctor finally came and told me that I'd miscarried almost all of the 'products of conception', that there was 'minimal residue' and that it wasn't thought that I would need the D&C after all. They unhooked my IV (bliss, true bliss), and sent me on my way. <br /><br />Almost nine hours to the minute that we left the house, we were home.<br /><br />First thing I did was take a shower, and it was blissful. Then I ate. Then I called my mom. Then I slept. And that's kinda been my day. <br /><br />I'm exhausted in every sense of the word. <br /><br />Physically, mentally, emotionally, I am spent. <br /><br />Despite everything, I don't think the magnitude of what's happened has, in fact, hit me yet. I just can't wrap my brain around what we went through today. Or the fact that this is over, really over. I've even surprised myself with how generally 'okay' I am mentally. Maybe it's because a part of me, a big part, started mourning this pregnancy long ago. <br /><br />The bleeding has stopped - for now. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but for the moment, I have some relief. I'll be staying home from work tomorrow as well to try and recover, again, both physically and mentally. But most of all, I just want to sleep. <br /><br />If you've actually read this, thanks. Hope I didn't gross you out too much. :) <br /><br />Thanks too for all the support you've shown over the past few weeks - it really has helped me get through what has been a very dark and dreary time. My hope now is that the healing can begin in earnest, and Hubs and I can spend our time comforting one another, healing together, instead of merely stressing out about what the next week, next ultrasound will bring. <br /><br />So for now, we hope this is the end, we follow up with the clinic, we take some time for ourselves, and we look ahead to the possibility of trying again in January.<br /><br />And I try to look on the bright side. At least now I can have rum in my holiday eggnog.<br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-68485406750074019032008-11-03T16:36:00.005-05:002008-11-03T22:22:19.112-05:00Mourning the possiblesHi.<br /><br />Yep, it's me. It's really me. With an update at long last. <br /><br />Apologies for my prolonged absence. I just haven't really known what to say.<br /><br />Not true...I've known what to say, or what I've wanted to say, but I never could find the strength to actually type it out. Put it on paper. <br /><br />Because that would make it real. And I would do anything for the events of the past month of my life to be a dream.<br /><br />But alas, here we are again.<br /><br />Truth be told, I can't even remember where we left off. I can't even remember if I'd mentioned that Hubs and I had decided to bite the bullet, drop the cash and go for IVF. I think I had, because I'd mentioned that our first go 'round was cancelled because I didn't respond to the meds.<br /><br />That didn't happen the second time.<br /><br />I responded, all right. Things went much better on the second try. Valuable lessons had been learned and were put into practice. By retrieval day, they'd gotten 15 eggs, 14 of which were mature. A day later, 10 had fertilized. And four days after that, seven of those 10 remained - we had seven beautiful day five blastocysts.<br /><br />September 23 we transferred two of the wee things back to their rightful home. The transfer went wonderfully. The doctor was happy and very optimistic. I, for the first time in a very long time, was too.<br /><br />Fourteen days after transfer I was supposed to go for my blood test (a beta, they call it) to see if things had worked. Never a patient diva, seven days post transfer I decided to pee on a pregnancy test to see if there was anything worth looking at in that elusive second line department.<br /><br />Well sweet holy shit - there was. <br /><br />Now, Hubs had to squint and hold it up to the light sideways to see it, but it was there. Truly. I still have the stick to prove it.<br /><br />A few hours after that wonderful moment - I started spotting.<br /><br />Not much, but enough to freak me the fuck out. My good friend urged me to call the clinic, so I did. They asked me to come in for some bloodwork - maybe I wasn't absorbing one of the support hormones properly. So I marched right over there and thrust my vein at anyone who would prick it.<br /><br />Sure enough, I wasn't absorbing the progesterone. And that's not good - you need progesterone to not only get but, most importantly, stay pregnant. Expected levels during this time should be over 100. Mine was eight. <br /><br />Eight. <br /><br />I was literally millimeters away from starting a period and losing it all.<br /><br />They also did a beta test to see if I was indeed registering pregnant that way. Anything under five is negative, over 10 is considered positive.<br /><br />Mine was seven.<br /><br />And thus the roller coaster that has been our lives for the past two months began.<br /><br />Not only was I not absorbing the progesterone in the format in which they had given me, I wasn't making any of my own either. Doctor just shook his head, kept saying 'eight', like it didn't make sense to him either. So we switched to shots of progesterone in cottonseed oil, to be taken by a massive needle once a day directly into the muscle of my upper ass.<br /><br />Good times.<br /><br />I took the shots, the spotting stopped, my beta numbers started to increase. But not like they should. By day 10, my number was 27. Tripled (they're supposed to double every 48-76 hours) - this was exciting. But still, it wasn't nearly as high as it should be for that far along. I was told that I needed to see a number of at least 150 to 200 by 14 days after transfer for us to have a shot.<br /><br />So what was my number on that 14th day? 151. <br /><br />Seriously. I kid you not.<br /><br />Numbers continued to increase, just barely along the lines of 'acceptable standards'. Doc booked me an early ultrasound because he was concerned about the viability of the pregnancy.<br /><br />Turns out Doc's a smart guy.<br /><br />We showed up for the ultrasound at 9:30am two Monday ago. I was ready to vomit, I was so so nervous about what they'd find - or wouldn't find. I should have been 6weeks4days along by this point. And by this point, they should have been able to see a heartbeat.<br /><br />Bladder full to busting, I hobbled into the ultrasound room and assumed the position. The technician was poking and prodding and pushing around - and, of course, not saying a word. When she was all done, she told us the baby was there, measuring 5weeks4days, and there was no heartbeat.<br /><br />I was crushed. Hubs believed it was simply too early to know.<br /><br />We talked to the doctor. He told us that this is what he was afraid of...that by now there should be heartbeat, and we shouldn't already be measuring an entire week behind. He asked us what we wanted to do, and we were not ready to give up yet. We wanted to keep going, solider on as it were, to see what might happen. This little bean had hung in so far - we needed to know how much it had left.<br /><br />Doctor warned us not to get our hopes up, that there was less than a 5% chance of this being a viable pregnancy. That horrible word again - viable. Like getting pregnant wasn't hard enough - now I have to fight and hope for it to just be viable? Isn't that kinda the freakin point here? Ugh.<br /><br />I was a disaster. In my mind, it was the beginning of the end. Just a matter of time. Sure, we'd keep going back to see what, if anything, had changed, but that less than 5% was a death knell to me. <br /><br />That week of being in limbo was brutal. I did my best to try and merely keep my head above water - to not worry about things too much until the day before the ultrasound because nothing could change the outcome. But every once in a while, these horrible thoughts would creep into my brain...visions of my uterus, so confused by all the artificial hormones, holding on with everything it's got to a baby who will never breathe a single breath. <br /><br />It haunted me. <br /><br />Finally, the week had passed and we were back in the clinic. I had an early morning meeting, so Hubs was going to meet me there - and of course, got stuck in traffic on the DVP. They made me go in without him. <br /><br />The ultrasound technician, Lily was her name, was amazing. She got to work setting things up and said, 'okay, let's get ready to look at your growing baby' and I burst into tears. I didn't think I could handle this without Hubs there....she held my hand, stalled as much as she could, and before you knew it he was there and able to take her place as my official hand holder. She told me she was good luck, and that she thought good things were going to happen for us.<br /><br />And then she turned the screen to me and showed me our baby's heartbeat.<br /><br />I cried. Openly and deeply, I wept on that table, legs akimo, cooter cam lodged where the sun don't shine. I cried because I got to see that little flutter, and even if it was only for a few seconds and no matter what the outcome, no one can ever take that away from me.<br /><br />Then I cried some more when she said to the doctor (who had recently entered the room) that the heartbeat was 89 beats per minute, and the baby was measuring 6weeks1day.<br /><br />Before he even said it, I knew. But hearing him say the words 'this is not good news' truly solidified things.<br /><br />He knows me well, my doctor. Knows that I don't want things sugar coated. That I need realism, not a cheerleading squad. And so he gave me realism, right between the eyes. While I was lying on that table, legs akimbo, cooter cam lodged where the sun don't shine. And I cried some more.<br /><br />We chatted afterwards, and he told us his biggest concern was the slow growth rate. That the baby had only displayed three days of growth in a week's time. And the heartbeat wasn't great either. Yes, it was there, but it was low. Should have been over 110. <br /><br />Feels like a broken record, doesn't it? Numbers never lining up, always there but not there enough. Yes, this has been my/our life for what feels like way too long.<br /><br />So we decided to cut the hormones in half and see what that did. And it's back again in a week for, you guessed it, another ultrasound.<br /><br />Of course, this is the week where I have my nephew's birthday, my niece's first birthday party, and a friend's baby shower. Oh, and Halloween. A truly kid filled week. And I won't lie - it was freaking hard. So hard, trying to keep a smile on my face. The only thing that saved me was thinking of that little flutter, and wondering, hoping against hope, that things might change direction.<br /><br />Then today rolled around. In we go for another round of poking and prodding. I have the non communicative technician again this time who says nothing while she pokes and prods. Nothing. I have no idea what's happening - but in my gut, I know it's not good.<br /><br />As I stand up to leave, I'm putting my pants back on when she tells me in her heavy Russian accent that the baby is measuring 6weeks1day. In that moment, I know it's well and truly done. No growth. Nothing.<br /><br />I wait to ask about the heartbeat, sure that it's gone. That all life has just stopped. But instead, she tells me it's 114 beats per minute.<br /><br />Yet again, we defy all medical logic.<br /><br />We gather our belongings and wait to speak to the doctor. He confirms my beliefs - there is no hope left. <br /><br />No growth in a week. In fact, what was supposed to be our baby actually shrunk in one of its key measurements. And he has no idea why the heartbeat has gotten stronger. Makes no sense, but he's sure there is something genetically wrong with this particular baby. And that we need to be put out of our suffering, our misery. He said that he hates to see us in this limbo. <br /><br />And for once, Hubs and I both agree with him - this is the end.<br /><br />So I'll stop taking all hormones and see what happens from there. Because oh yeah - no hospital will do a D&C on an embryo with a heartbeat. Talk about adding insult to injury. We know it's not going to be viable, but we can't help you.<br /><br />So once again, we wait. We wait to see if my not taking drugs will help me to miscarry naturally. Goodie. Sounds like fun. Can't wait. <br /><br />If nothing happens between now and Monday, you guessed it!, we go back in for another ultrasound. If the heartbeat has subsided naturally, they'll begin the process of scheduling the D&C. And if not, we have two choices - wait for nature to do its thing, or have it taken care of clinically.<br /><br />That's right - I'd have to have an abortion. <br /><br />Nothing like adding a truckload of salt to my already gaping wound. Because there's a heartbeat, we would have to make the decision to terminate the pregnancy and get it done at an abortion clinic despite the fact that there's no genetic viability for this little one. Just doesn't seem fair to me.<br /><br />What's worse, is that after a D&C, they can/will take the tissue and send it away for testing. We could get answers as to what happened. Why this didn't stick, what went wrong. Not so with abortion. So again, not like it's bad enough we have to go through the abortion process, but we don't get any much needed/wanted answers either. <br /><br />'Cause sitting in a waiting room surrounded by women who are CHOOSING to end their pregnancies isn't bad enough.<br /><br />Fuck.<br /><br />Fuck the universe, big time. <br /><br />So there ya go. The update to end all updates. <br /><br />Again, sorry for being absent, but now that you've had a front row seat, hope you'll understand why hibernation was the name of the game for so long.<br /><br />I can't promise that I'll be back daily, but I'll do my best to update as I can, when I'm feeling up to it. I have no idea what the next few weeks shall hold, but then again that's nothing new for me lately.<br /><br />So for now I'll sign off and thank you for reading if you've made it this far. Believe it or not, it actually does help to get it all out there. <br /><br />And that's your long overdue dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-18204689854079792312008-10-02T20:26:00.002-05:002008-10-02T20:29:49.336-05:00Insane weekHi all. <br /><br />I know it's been a while, but this week has been insane. More bumps in this baby making road. Big ones. <br /><br />As a result, I'm exhausted, mentally and physically, so I've been yet again off my blogging game.<br /><br />I'll do my best to check in again soon, but for now, I really need to concentrate on resting and doing pretty much nothing. Good times.<br /><br />Thanks to all for understanding, and for checking in. Sorry I don't have more for you but I hope to be back in the swing of things next week.<br /><br />And that's merely a pinch of dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-48276967876287862032008-09-24T21:21:00.002-05:002008-09-24T21:25:00.111-05:00Just another Wednesday...After all the excitement of the past few days, today was delightfully uneventful. <br /><br />Slept in, had breakfast, played around online, then Hubs and I went to see Burn After Reading so I could get out of the house a bit. <br /><br />I keep calling it Burn Before Reading for some silly reason...can't wrap my head around the title. Huh. Strange.<br /><br />Anyway, I'm actually quite tuckered today, so there's truly not much of anything to report. And even though I'm sure I could find something to blather on about, I just don't have much energy to blather, ya know?<br /><br />So I hope you'll excuse me if I leave you with this uber brief installation of the diva dash due to pure fatigue and lack of an interesting life today.<br /><br />Hopefully more will transpire tomorrow!<br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-35587077335757552152008-09-23T21:56:00.002-05:002008-09-23T22:10:46.035-05:00Baby Mama?Interesting title, I know. It works in two ways - one, because for the first time in, uh, ever, I have a real shot of being Hubs' baby mama. And two, because we just watched the movie of the same name.<br /><br />I heart Tina Fey, truly I do. But given all we'd been through, this was one theatrical release that I had to forgo. If Knocked Up taught me anything, it was that seeing baby/pregnancy related flicks while being infertile is highly discouraged. Big time. <br /><br />Word.<br /><br />But today was the one day where I thought I could view this little baby bump of a film and actually be okay about it. And fortunately, I was right.<br /><br />Yes, today was transfer day. Two beautiful, high grade blastocysts were delivered to the proverbial 'sweet spot' of my uterus at 11:03am. So sayeth my doctor, and boy am I inclined to believe him.<br /><br />Two weeks from now we'll find out if it worked, but in the meantime I can float in this bliss bubble for a week at least, before I start peeing on things to see if I can get an early test result. And so I allowed Baby Mama into my bubble.<br /><br />It was good, had some pretty laugh out loud moments, but the ending, as expected, was meh. But what could she do? Forced into a corner, she pumped out her Hollywood ending and there was much rejoicing. And I'm not giving anything away to those that have yet to see it, trust me.<br /><br />Back to me as baby mama now. Hubs and I went out for dinner tonight thanks to some Outback steakhouse gift certificates CJ had given me for my birthday. We had a fantastic meal and chatted a lot about what our new future might mean, what changes to expect, what we were both excited and scared about.<br /><br />At this point, quite frankly I'm most scared that I'm jinxing us by even having these conversations. That merely talking about it as something that could happen is enough to anger the universe that's been so cruel to us in the past. But for tonight, all second thoughts were shoved aside and there was meat to be ingested. All in all, a lovely evening.<br /><br />So cross your fingers, toes, whathaveyou that little eenie and meenie (Hubs' names for our embryos) are snuggling in nice and tight to the cushy lining I've been busting my hump to keep plump for them since they were merely eggs and sperm. Only five days old and I'm already complaining about the work necessary to keep a roof over (and under) their heads. <br /><br />I'm going to do my everything to think positively, to visualize this actually happening, to picture those embryos latching on, getting bigger day by day, and one day becoming the son or daughter we've craved all these years. <br /><br />'Cause even if it's only for two weeks (or as long as my bliss bubble remains intact) I will always be baby mama to eenie and meenie. I'll always have that.<br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4093809207544740012.post-91755823781190566112008-09-22T16:51:00.002-05:002008-09-22T21:14:02.025-05:00Annnnnd we're back.Well hello my lovelies. I realize it's been a while...a long while. Much longer than I said I'd be. My bad. I do apologize. But hopefully once I fill you in on what's going on you'll be a bit more understanding.<br /><br />So by now you of course know all too well our fertility challenges. You also know that we had started IVF just to get cancelled because I was oversuppressed and didn't respond to the medications properly. And that we were waiting to start again.<br /><br />Well, start again we did. Around the middle of August, in fact. Started popping that birth control pill (yes, it is all part of the plan) and went about our merry way.<br /><br />Being on the pill was pure hell. Mood swings, much higher and more severe than ever before - poor Hubs. Breakthrough bleeding for two plus weeks - nothing like things not going the way they're supposed to right from the get go. And acne - the absolute worst acne you could ever imagine. It was everywhere - my face, my heck, my chest....I looked like the president of the high school chess club. Not cool at all.<br /><br />Coming off that was the best day, seriously. I celebrated like crazy when I took that last pill. Of course it took forever for things to finally wind down, but in the end I suppose it did its trick and we were well on our way.<br /><br />I started my stimulation drugs at the conclusion of my sister in law's wedding. Literally. I stored them in the fridge behind the bar at the reception site. What an auspicious beginning!<br /><br />The wedding went well, was beautiful, and I was relieved. I held the role of day of coordinator, so was running around like a crazy person all day. I was delighted to slip into bed that night, the drugs hard at work.<br /><br />This time around things went much better. I responded to the drugs. Things that were supposed to grow, grew. Levels of hormones that were supposed to increase in my blood, increased. And before you knew it, we were ready for egg retrieval. We'd made it further than we'd ever gone before.<br /><br />Around this time is when I kinda went blog silent. I was so tired from the drugs, so worn out from the not knowing what was coming next, so sick from yet another ear infection, so stressed about what to say and how to say it that I elected to just retreat from it all until I could figure things out. <br /><br />Have I figured said things out? Nope, not necessarily, but I do have the relief of knowing that we're able to progress yet another few steps. They got a good number of eggs, most were mature, and a huge number of them fertilized. More than my wildest dreams, actually. And we find out tomorrow just how many are left as we jump over the final hurdle in the actual IVF process - the transfer.<br /><br />Transfer is the easy part, really. What truly sucked ass was the retrieval. Yes, you're given drugs through an IV so you don't feel anything. But it sure doesn't improve your pain level when the nurse, obviously new to IV's, tries to put on in and blows your vein. You can imagine the huge bruise I have on my right forearm. Looks like Hubs was seriously pissed off at me one day! <br /><br />Finally a more experienced bloodletter came along and slipped in the needle lickety split. I donned my lucky socks, grabbed the IV pole and we were off down the hall to the procedure room.<br /><br />I don't think it's really necessary to go into all the truly gory details of what egg retrieval entails. Let's just all agree it's not much fun. A nasty means to an end. But they got what they went in for and that was good.<br /><br />Recovery wasn't so good. First, because of the size of my ovaries and what they had to do, they told me to expect some gas pain and bloating. Uh, some? I'll have to get them to rewrite their post-op expectations for patients. I had no freakin idea a wee touch of gas could be so debilitating.<br /><br />Add to that the constipation that resulted from the progesterone I was taking/making and I was a flipping bag of toys. <br /><br />They'd given me percocet because they expected I'd have some extra pain due to how big my ovaries got. Sure enough, by the end of the day I was pretty danged sore, so I decided then was not the time to play hero, and I took one.<br /><br />Big mistake. Big. Huge!<br /><br />Percocet is not my friend. In addition to making me stoned, it also constipates. Yeah, just what I needed, more help in the bunging up department. <br /><br />Friday morning I was feeling a bit better, so we made the decision to go to a friend's wedding in Ottawa. It truly was a game day decision, as I wasn't sure I'd be up to it. But I totally wanted to go, so we set off.<br /><br />By Saturday, things weren't improving much. I got ready in the hotel in phases, taking a shower, curling up on the bed for a bit, doing my makeup, curling up on the bed...you get the picture.<br /><br />We headed out to the burbs for the ceremony but managed to find a Shoppers so I could get some much needed Metamucil (actually, a tasteless, pasteless version thereof) into my system to see if that would help. Picture this - Hubs and I, all dressed up, sitting in our Kia in the parking lot of the Catholic church, me putting BeneFibre into a bottle of water and Hubs shaking it up while I wipe the excess white powder off my dress.<br /><br />Quite the scene, I tell you. But boy did it feel good to actually think we might be making some progress. <br /><br />The rest of the wedding was beautiful. A long time coming for my good friend the groom, and I was just so delighted that we could actually be there. I made it through 'til about 10:30, then it was back to the hotel for pass out time. But despite everything I'm glad I went.<br /><br />Today I've just been resting, resting, resting. Sleeping for all that it's worth. Went over to my mother in law's new apartment and Hubs helped her put up some pictures and put some shelves together. It's great to see her back in civilization, able to do things for herself again. So much better than being in the middle of nowhere, where it was impossible for her to even go to get her own newspaper. <br /><br />And tomorrow, tomorrow is transfer day. They're (hopefully) going to put in two wonderful embryos, and I'm going to wait for two weeks to see if it all worked. <br /><br />And so it begins.<br /><br />So there you have it! The update of all updates. I hope now you'll understand a bit better why I was so scatterbrained and not quite up to posting par over the past few days and weeks.<br /><br />I'll be looking for plenty of distractions in the next two weeks, so look for posts on all sorts of wild and wacky stuff! For example, Sex and the City comes out on DVD tomorrow. Guess what this diva's present to herself will be for transfer day?<br /><br />And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?divajenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18421983145679169356noreply@blogger.com9