Thursday, 18 June 2009

It's been, like, forever

Yep. Forever since I've posted. Once again, I've been a bad diva. But once again, it hasn't been the best of times.

Hasn't been the worst, but not the best either.

So, let's start with the good news, shall we? Hubs got accepted into the program he wanted. He found out as I was en route to Niagara Falls for a conference, called me on my cell, told me, and I burst into tears I was so relieved. It's been a while since I cried happy tears, but boy oh boy were they wonderful.

A few days later he joined me in Niagara and we upgraded our room, had a wonderful dinner at the Keg overlooking the Falls to celebrate, walked and talked for hours, did some shopping...and the rest...well, you can use your imagination.

It was just like this massive weight had been lifted from both of us. Finally, FINALLY, things were going our way and he could get back on track. He found out Wednesday, he started the following Monday.

And thankfully, he's loving the program - and excelling, as I knew he would. Sure, there are the ups and downs but by and large he's really found his niche. And I couldn't be happier for him.

Some of you have asked about his birthday present. I can report now that he did indeed love it, even if it didn't get here on time. Well, Canada Post said they tried to deliver it, but we all know that Canada Post lies, so I blame them for him not having something to open. But I digress...

Hubs has always lamented the fact that he doesn't have very many pictures of me. In fact, if pictures are to be had it's because by and large I'm the one taking them, and am therefore rarely in front of the camera. So I decided to suck it up and do some photo shoots for him.

First, boudoirs. Now, for those of you not in the know about the boudoir photography world, rest assured I had clothes on. I was definitely covered. No naughty bits pokin' out and nary a pube to be seen. No thank you! Mine is the type of body that needs clothes. Having said all that, I was remarkably pleased with what my wonderful photographer Tara was able to accomplish. And Hubs? Well, he just loved them.

Deciding I didn't want to stop there, I coerced two other photographer friends into assisting me in bringing this birthday present vision to life. I was going for photo overkill so Hubs could no longer complain about the lack of me pics in his viewing realm. I met John downtown on April Fool's Day and we shot the urban set, complete with bricks and stone and graffiti and all that good urban stuff. Loved them!!

A week later Steve shot a set at our local waterfront on one of the coldest, windiest days of the month. I was windblown, but wow did he get some incredible shots. I showed them to my mom and she even asked me for copies! My gratitude to the two of them for their time and kindness knows no bounds.

Once I received all the proofs I carefully arranged them into a photobook for Hubs' eyes only. Said book is what failed to arrive in time, but at least I had the discs from all three shoots to show him. I think I finally got him a gift he loves.

I have no clue where to go from here now. I peaked in the gift department. Dag.

Just under a month later, Hubs and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary. It was a low key affair, but pretty much exactly what both of us wanted. No gifts, just cards and a sushi dinner that we both enjoyed immensely. We chatted about what we remembered of our wedding day, highlights and fave moments. We shared many smiles and both readily agreed that we'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. Every day I remind myself how lucky I am to have him.

From sweet to bitter though. One day was our wedding anniversary, the next the original due date of the child we miscarried back in November.

Wow. I knew the day would be hard, but I wasn't really sure how it would effect me until it hit me right between the ovaries. No mercy. Sucker punch. I managed to keep it together during the day but once I got home and into Hubs' arms, I just collapsed under the weight of it all. What haunted me most was having to mourn what should have been. Seeing others who got pregnant around the same time starting to have their children while I...well, you can figure it out.

Which brings me to the not so good news.

Yes, we're still having no luck in the conception department. Since I last wrote we've had three more tries, and it appears as though neither have worked. All that time, energy, money, hope, and nothing. Especially this last cycle, I'm just heartbroken. Everything seemed to be perfect, all of the ideal elements were there...but yet again, today began with one single, solitary pink line staring me in the face. No matter how I twist and turn the stick in the light, I can't magically make that other line appear.

I go in tomorrow for the blood work that will most likely be the nail in this cycle's coffin, and then we're done for a while. I need a break. We need to regroup, figure out what our next steps are. And if I can't be pregnant, then I want to drink my way through the summer, dammit.

Said drinking will begin in earnest on Saturday should said blood test indeed prove negative. Two of my sisters and I are throwing a 25th wedding anniversary party for my parents (mom and stepdad, but he's been dad for decades) at my sister's place, about two hours from our home. It was to have been a pool party, but if you've looked at the weather forecast for Saturday for Ontario, you're pretty much shaking your head right now, aren't you? We're hoping for a minor miracle, but we're not holding our collective breaths. We'll save that for if and when we actually make it into the pool.

This party will be fun, but it's meant much planning, running around, and emptying my wallet of money that was never really there in the first place. Man, an afternoon party for 22 people can get awfully expensive, even with three people splitting costs and doing it on the thrifty side.

Then of course Sunday is Father's Day, so no rest for the wicked here. First it's brunch at my sister's with stepdad Dad, then we have to race home to my other sister's place (which happens to be close to us, thankfully) so that we can host our father for dinner. Yes, our family tree is a complicated one, with many a gnarled branch.

I'll need a weekend to recover from my weekend.

Thankfully I'll have a mere four and a half days back at work, then I'll be on staycation for two weeks. Two whole weeks - I don't know if I've had two weeks off in the summer since I was in uni. I can't wait. Hubs is off those two weeks too, so we'll find something to do, I'm sure. Unfortunately there are no trips or jaunts in our future due to finances, but we'll make it work.

So that's some kind of update. Sorry you're getting more of the textbook walk through and not my more jovial self - it's only been a few hours since the pee dried on the stick and I can't seem to shake my feelings of sadness at another bust cycle. I didn't even cry when the last two didn't work out, but I've already shed a good number of tears today for this one. Stoopid hope.

Doesn't help when it feels like everyone around me is pregnant. Of course I'm happy for them, especially friends who have struggled for so long, but it won't negate the sadness for me. Amazing how we as one being can simultaneously experience two completely polar opposite emotions. Lucky us. I'm starting to feel schizophrenic.

Apologies again for the long delay, and thanks to those who've sent comments and spurred me back to my verbal vomiting grounds.

Ew, that sounded kinda gross.

Happy summer everyone!

And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?

16 comments on "It's been, like, forever"

Kate on 18 June 2009 at 14:50 said...

Sounds like you've been going through a lot. Sorry for that one pink line. A summer off enjoying a few bevvies sounds like a darn good idea.
I'm dreading the 2nd anniversary of when our first baby should have been born, partly because my future niece is due that very day. I'll be pretty devastated if this cycle doesn't work out, because it'll take a well-established second trimester pregnancy to help take the sting out of this particular event and anniversary. It's hard to believe so much time has gone by since then, and that we're still not pregnant!
It's great that your DH is in a program he loves - are you able to say what it is without revealing your true identity to all?

divajen on 18 June 2009 at 14:57 said...

Kate, sucks for you too then, eh? Wishing you much success for this cycle. As for the program, I can say it's in the social work realm if that helps! :)

Dagny on 18 June 2009 at 16:30 said...

First...((((((GIANT HUGS)))))

I'm sorry it hasn't worked out so far.....this all just sucks ass.

I am intregued with your pictures! I am in a similar position, except I am camera/pictures of me a phobic, and poor Mr. Dagny has like ONE pic of me. I need to try and do what you have done...mind you I don't have any photog friends...that must help! But I'm glad you got to do that. :D And jealous!!!

Enjoy drinking away the summer, it's what I'm up to here....screw feeling sad anymore, or at least if I'm sad I can be well medicated. ;)

I'll do a good weather dance for you. But hey, it's supposed to be sunny and between 27 and 30C here on the weekend, wanna use my pool? ;)


Anonymous said...

Thanks for the post! I am sorry to hear your latest disappointing news. A couple weeks home with Hubs, friends, sunshine and BEvERages would be so nice! I'm going to be changing jobs so no vacation for me in the near future :)

Anita on 19 June 2009 at 10:15 said...

Nice to see you writing again Diva but sad to see things still are not working your way. I will raise a martini glass in toast to you, your strength, and perseverance. I'm still hoping and praying for you and hubs.


Victoria on 19 June 2009 at 13:51 said...

Good and bad moments for you. Eventually, I hope everything will go in your favour. Congrats to your DH. Yes, "rest if you must..."

Anonymous said...

Glad to see you are are back, but so sorry for the all the bad news lately (well in the fertility area). I am really hoping things improve and you get that BFP!

Kris on 29 June 2009 at 19:40 said...

Oy Diva. I'm sorry. You are so strong to keep going the way you do. Lucky you have a fantastic husband - and i'm glad that some good luck as come you way via Hubs!

BTW - so excited to visit the blog and see a post! I was starting to think you had forgotten us...

First_Wife said...

A post! Hooray! I'm sorry things aren't working out the way you want them to, but I know things will turn around for you!

Anonymous said...

So how did the 25th Anniversary party go? And your marathon Father's Day festivities? Don't leave us hangin' any longer :)

Conflicted Brain on 15 July 2009 at 21:52 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I'm happy you are posting again. I know you have been through rough crap and the hits just seem to keep coming.

I look up to you though. You have dragged my butt through the hell I have been going through.

You are such a wonderful person, and you deserve wonderful things.


Anonymous said...

Post again..... Pleeease :)

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