Thursday, 27 November 2008

I should be...

Today, I should be 12 weeks pregnant.

I should be getting ready to scream from the rooftops that we're pregnant. That we're almost in our second trimester, in that oh-so-coveted safe zone.

I should be finishing those nasty progesterone shots and estrace tablets up the hoo ha.

I should be celebrating with glee my friend's new baby girl, another friend's impending birth (truly any day now) and yet another friend's long awaited IVF success.

I should be reveling in my recent work success, proud of myself for what I've managed to accomplish.

I should be looking forward to a good friend's baby shower this weekend, ready to enjoy the pink-ness of it all as she's having a girl.

I should be gearing up for the holidays, thinking of all the necessities and frivolities to add to my Christmas wish list this year.

I should be....happier. Smiley-er. More carefree. Jovial, even.

But I'm not.

Right now, I'm none of those things.

Instead of being a third of the way there, I'm still dealing with the emotional and physical side effects of a miscarriage only two and a half weeks ago. I tear up for no specific reason over the smallest of things. Commercials, not even baby ones, make me cry. Every once in a while it just smacks me right between the eyes and I'm temporarily paralyzed by it all.

Instead of shouting from the rooftops, I'm screaming on the inside every time someone asks me if I have children. If we plan on it. When I hear someone talking about their kids on the GO train. When I see a happy pregnant woman walking by.

Instead of progesterone and estrace, I'm back on the birth control pill, trying to help shed the lining still left over. To keep us on track and prepare us for our next try. Here comes the mood swings and crazy acne. Awesome.

Instead of celebrating, I'm keeping a safe distance by keeping in touch via Facebook, wanting to be more supportive to my friend who's now 24 hours away from being induced but not knowing how to do it, and feeling terribly jealous of my friend and her success because I so desperately want it to be me. Think it should be me. Not me in place of her, but still.

I'm a horrible person.

Instead of being happy about work and what I've done over this past week, just doesn't register. The president of our organization actually sent me two dozen deep pink long stemmed roses to congratulate me for a job well done and while I've totally enjoyed them, it's all just so tainted. Spoiled. I feel like I'm cheating myself out of happiness.

Instead of looking forward to the shower, getting the chocolates together that I think I'll make to take with me, I'm dreading the experience. I want to be there for her and will totally go, but I couldn't even muster the intestinal fortitude to RSVP - a friend had to do it for me. Who the hell have I become?

And instead of putting that Christmas wish list together, I'm stuck trying to come up with creative ways to tell family members that this year, instead of presents, I'd much prefer cash because we need to cobble together $2,200 by the third week of January to try again. That nothing else is more needed or wanted than that. That this year, embryos trump clothes hands down.

Sure, it's not always like this. I have moments of laughter. The sun does peek through the clouds. I'm not this bitter, resentful, hurtful person 24 hours of every day.

But today, when I should be 12 weeks pregnant and looking forward to all the wonderful things to come, I just can't. Can't be smiley. Can't be jovial. Can't be my normal happy-go-lucky self.

Someone tell me it gets better...

And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?

11 comments on "I should be..."

Anonymous said...

You're not a horrible person. You're a normal person going through a very normal part of the crappy stuff life has thrown your way. It breaks my heart to read all of this but it also makes me realize that you are a strong, loving individual who deserves a damn break! Even for what you're going through you're still attending baby showers, actively being involved in friends' pending births and going through life just being you. Something not everyone can do but here you are doing it.

I only hope the remaining 34 days of 2008 can go by with no more hitches and that 2009 is YOUR year.


Dagny on 28 November 2008 at 07:02 said...

You are FAR from horrible.

You want horrible, I dont' even speak to any former friends who now have children. Yeah, I wish I was kidding.

YOu are going to a shower? You are my freaking hero. You actually are happy for your pg friend? Yep, again, you are head and shoulders above my petty self.

And after all you have been through, you can still think of others.

While you may think you are horrible, know that I think that you are absolutely awesome, strong, and giving. Even in times of intense sorrow.

And I hope that you get the money and you get your baby in 2009.

Much love.


Anonymous said...

You are not a horrible person for feeling the way that you do. I find myself avoiding friends because I dont even want to talk to them. I find myself upset at my DH. (He thinks I am wrong for the feelings that I have) I feel the same way as you do. Friends of ours just had a baby...I can't even go visit..people who didn't want children now have 2. We have none..and we've been trying for 2 years. We are on clomid now. Not sure what is next for us. are feeling what is perfectly normal. Big Hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

Diva, you're anything BUT a horrible person. You're a person in grief, and that touches every part of your life. I know. I've been there too. Please, please, allow yourself the time to heal and grieve, and skip the things when they're just too much until you can face them again.
Kermit from WB/BB

cindyhoo2 on 30 November 2008 at 00:07 said...

Hi Divajen,

I just found your blog and read about your updates. You have totally described how I feel some days. I am so sorry for the long process you had to deal with to get closure and (more importantly) that you aren't getting your heart's wish right now.

It really does get better with time and you are far from a terrible person.


cindyhoo2 AKA stillsmiling (but today I would call myself Bitter_Infertile if I had to create a forum name.)

Anonymous said...

I am going against the grain here with my comment. Shannon, I adore you. Love you even. I have read and heard your quest to get pregnant story and in all honesty it breaks my heart. I know how badly you want to be a mom. I know what a great mom you will be. When you have your little bundle of joy he/she will be the most loved, cherished, adored little baby ever.

You are not a horrible person. You are a normal young lady with normal emotions and feelings at this difficult time.

S & L are very happy to be having a baby/shower and are loving to share this experience with there family and friends but in all honesty if I was either of them I would be very hurt by your words in this blog post today.

It is almost like you are blaming them for the success they are having. If I were either of them I would not want you at my shower or visiting me after the birth of my baby. Maybe even re-thinking the "friendship"

divajen on 30 November 2008 at 11:53 said...

Wow. Well, obviously the last comment was from one of my 'friends' because you know who the people I'm referencing are. I'm also guessing that you're not one of the people who are going through infertility stuff, 'cause if you were you might have a bit more understanding as to what it's like. I wish you would own your comments so I could reply properly and in private, but alas...

S knows what it's like to be me. She's been super sensitive to my feelings through all this and I can't thank her enough for it. So I know deep down that she wouldn't 'rethink the friendship' because of anything I wrote here. As for L's shower, if I didn't think I could go, I wouldn't. But I do want to be there for her, so go I will.

And I'm not blaming anyone for anything.

Remember that this post was a snapshot in time - a way I was feeling at a specific moment. Does not at all mean that I feel this exact way every moment of every day. Big point of clarification there. Big. Huge.

I appreciate you taking the time to give a counter opinion, and hope you have a better understanding of where I'm coming from now.

Anonymous said...

I appreciate your honesty. It's refreshing. But more importantly I appreciate that you are considerate of others by being your cheerful "up" self around your friends who've had success.
I think your feelings are normal.
I really hope it happens for you soon.

Krista said...

Hugs to you, I know what it is like, trying to go to baby events and slap a smile on your face while inside you are hurting like crazy. Please take care, with time it will be somewhat easier to take..

Shoe_Gal said...

I was a wreck for a very long time after my m/c. Time is the only healer which allows room to process and make sense of this stuff.

You, my friend, are normal. Sorry to say it. You have suffered a loss, and have endured a great trauma.

I don't think you were blaming anyone in your blog. You simply wrote how you felt at the time- it was also hard for me to be around pregnant people (although I was overjoyed for them). I was devastated myself. I always repeated the phrase, "...this too shall pass." It was my mantra so I didn't feel like dying everyday.

Take care my friend. I am always here.


Anonymous said...

You are a wonderful person.

Don't ever think you aren't. You are not a horrible person at all and I even laughed so much at the "Great Aunt Betty" comment. Today was a lot of fun and thank you for helping us get home safe.





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