Just another mortified Monday

Hello, my lovelies!

Hope you've all had a good weekend and are as happy as I am to have Monday now behind you. While I'm not now and never have been a huge fan of the Monday, these days I find myself actually looking forward to them for one reason and one reason only:

The Bachelor.

Ooooooh boy. I am well and truly addicted to this show and just can't get enough. And this week I was, once again, not disappointed. Gotta love the drama! But if only he'd let that pukey silly psycho stalker Shannon chick go I'd be so much happier, ya know?

But I digress.

While I was abuzz with sweet anticipation for The Bachelor this evening, I also had some fab good times to look forward to first thing in the morning.

My annual colposcopy.

http://womenshealth.about.com/cs/cevicalconditions/a/colposcopy.htm

In a nutshell, it's a glorified Pap. Yeah, good times. Click the link - always good to be educated on cervical health. It's my good deed for the day - inform thyself. :)

This has truly been a banner week for doctors picking about my girlie bits. Flippin speculums have seen more action than Hubs, for pete's sake! Sigh...

So each time it's always kinda weird since I work very closely with the doctor who does the procedure. Like, I've met her family, she's met Hubs numerous times, I raise money for her research, etc. So it's always that little bit awkward that she gets to be intimate with my cervix, but whatevs.

So I'm sitting on the table with the sheet draped over me and we're chatting, then it's time to skooch into position. So I slide...

And I tooted.

Not quietly.

OMG.

I was beside myself. Mortified.

Fortunately we were all chatting still and the rustle of the deli paper helped muffle some of the offending sound - but STILL!

It's always been my worst fear and today it came true!

After all this time, all these cooter cams and random tests and cervix checks, ugh. I've survived each and every one of them without airing my gassy grievances. There have been some close calls but by gawd I've managed to hold them in and stop them from becoming that unwanted presence in the room.

But not this time. No.

And of course it wasn't in front of some random stranger I'll never see again, noooooo, but someone I work with! That I had to call this afternoon to talk about a work related issue. Yeesh.

This'll serve me right for trying to eat healthy. Danged fibre.

Alas, tomorrow is another day. Hopefully I'll be able to keep my toots to myself.

And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?

So far so good!

So here we are, a mere 12 days into this new year, and already things are looking up for us.

Since you've asked no, my period never came. So I went in Friday morning for a random day 3 since I haven't had said period since my miscarriage and it didn't look like one was coming.

But that's okay! Here's why:

Back on November 21, 11 days after the miscarriage, my lining was super thick at 1.3 cm. Sorry for all the technical talk, but it is what it is. :) Yikes. I would have expected it to be much less, considering how much I bled during the stupid thing. But still, I knew I needed to have another good bleed before the frozen embryo transfer, hence all that time on birth control pill to ensure it actually happened.

But I never got said period, so they brought me in Friday to see what's what, and it just doesn't make any sense.

Remember, I hadn't had a bleed since the miscarriage - November 10. My appointment was January 9. My lining back then was 1.3. Friday? It's 0.67.

WTF? Where did it all go? All my hormone levels were textbook day 3 numbers. And so I was stuck at day 3.

Technically, we could start the FET process right now, but when I spoke to the nurse I said I was less concerned about the timeline this time and more about making sure everything is RIGHT. That we go into it with IDEAL conditions to increase our chances.

So instead of moving forward, on Wednesday I'm having an endometrial biopsy. Fun. Then I have to wait a few WEEKS for those results to come back, THEN do another random blood work and ultrasound to see if my body is STILL stuck at day 3 (which it likely will be, thanks to the delightful polycystic ovary syndrome) and then we go from there.

If everything is okay with the biopsy, then we can potentially just move into the FET, not needing to bring on a new bleed because the conditions are already good.

Again, WTF?

I asked what they were looking for in the biopsy, and the nurses response was 'we don't know, but we want to be sure everything's okay'.

Okay. I guess.

So I was kinda freaked out, but kinda reassured that we can rule out anything bad before we invest more time and energy and money in all this stuff. And I've since learned that this procedure can actually help make the lining 'stickier' for embryos during transfer. So again, I'll take all the help I can get.

Interestingly enough, despite the time lag, I'm actually a bit relieved. Relieved that we're taking every necessary step to make this right...and that we have that much more time to get the money together.

'Cause January's a bitchy month to try and come up with a few grand in extra cash! But now it's not the cash holding us back, it's the process. And I'm surprisingly at peace with that.

But now the real good news!

As background...you've heard me wax poetic (sarcasm) about our lovely Kia Rio 5. We've had it since September 2005 and our four year lease is, therefore, up this year.

Yeah, never lease. Leasing is bad. Let this be your lesson of the day, dear readers. Leasing is a crock.

Ahem.

Leasing was a good idea for us at the time. But with Hubs' extra travel for work, we added a gazmillion extra kms on the car that weren't covered by our lease. Like, we're already 26,000 kms over.

And it's January.

And each extra km is $.10. Yowzers. That's some serious coin.

So come September, we were going to have to pay about $4,000 to pay off the extra kms and just give the stinking car back OR shuck out $7,700 to buy a car we didn't really want to keep (hence leasing in the first place). And all of this would have relied on my bonus coming in in July - and I think we all realize that bonuses sure ain't guaranteed in this economic climate.

Then out of the blue, a sales guy from Blank Kia (not naming the dealership, 'cause as much as I hate them I ain't a fan of getting in trouble for badmouthing them on the interwebz) calls and speaks to Hubs. Says hey! We notice your lease is coming up and we'd like to get you into a new car!!!

We'll eat some of the kms! Help break the lease!! Low monthly payments!! Great interest rates!!!

Hubs calls me at work to relay the conversation and my curiosity was piqued. So immediately, I asked him to call our local Kia and see if they'd match the deal.

Well whaddya know! Sure enough, they went for it, and so on Wednesday night we pick up our 2009 Rondo.

I can't even begin to explain what a huge fucking relief this is for us. No more worrying about what could happen since ours is no longer under warranty. We knew the brakes would have to be replaced very soon - now we don't have to worry about that! It needed new tires - not our problem! Now we won't need to renew our CAA membership in February.

So. much. relief.

And it came at us right out of left field, and I couldn't be happier. I feel like our luck is finally turning, that for a change, the universe is on our side. I feel good about our prospects now, generally speaking, and can't even begin to describe the contentment that I feel knowing this one piece of the puzzle has been taken care of for us now.

And hey - if our bonus actually does get paid out, I can actually use it to pay off debt and make other good things happen! So flippin exciting.

2009? So far, so good. I'll take it!!!

And that's your daily dash...how's your diva doin'?

The silly things we wish for

I'm waiting for and desperately wanting the weirdest of things. My period.

I know, I know. It's not generally considered chic to discuss ones menstrual cycles in public. No one really wants to read about the arrival patterns of good ole Aunt Flo.

And more often than not, said period is not something that often tops a gal's wish list. Unless, of course, you're 20 and coming off a trampage the likes of which you barely remember. Then, there's no more blessed sight than your monthly friend.

But alas, here we are. I guess I'm not chic. And I'm definitely not 20 anymore.

No, I'm waiting to begin my next surf on the crimson wave so that we can get our frozen embryo cycle underway. I've spent six weeks off and on birth control pills, and the stupid biotch should have made her presence known on Saturday.

As of today...nada. Nothing. Nary a sign. Booooo.....

I even had to call and cancel tomorrow's appointment. And now I have to wait until I actually make it to day three to go in. Dag yo, I haven't even made it to day one yet!

And of course, like all things in our lives, this minor setback will now translate into something more substantial. Looks like we'll miss the window of our doctor's availability and instead of the third week of January, we'll now have to wait until the first or second week of February for the transfer to happen.

Of course!

Oh well. In the long run I'm really not freaking out all that much. The great news is that there's so much more flexibility in how these cycles work than the fresh ones, which are extremely regimented. And hey - a few extra weeks gives us that much more time to cobble together the funds necessary to actually make the transfer happen. And that is never a bad thing.

So in the meantime...I wait.

And wait, and wait, and wait.

I hope the day will come very soon where I'll be delighted to bid the period adieu for almost 10 months. 'Cause that would mean I'm actually pregnant, ya know?

But for now, I'd be perfectly content for her to show her face so we can get this show on the road. So send me some period wishes, will ya?

I think that's the strangest sentence I've ever typed in over two years of writing this blog.

And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?

Welcome to 2009

Well hellooooooooo there. Long time no see.

Much has happened since my last foray into blogworld, that's for sure. As always I apologize for my lengthy absence, but I think taking a break from many facets of my life, including reporting even the most minute of details of said life here in me blog, was a good thing.

Yes, as Martha Stewart would say, it was a good thing.

So, uh, hope you had a great holiday, and Happy New Year! I delighted in having almost two weeks off work, and while I love it, am lamenting my return on Monday. I could still use more time! I'm sure I'm not alone here, yes? And of course I have absolutely nothing to complain about, seeing as I had two full weeks off. So I guess I'll quit while I'm ahead.

Not that I can actually complain at all in the work department. December was a good month for me - I confirmed two $2 million donations and a $12.5 million gift. I was deliriously happy at this progress, and am so thankful to these wonderful families that are doing truly transformational things. But even so, I was quite content to get away from it all and just relax for the holidays.

We had a lovely Christmas at my sister's house in Waterloo. They're wonderful people, always so hospitable and kind, and their home is warm and inviting. A great place to relax with family and enjoy the furor that is the holidays in our family. Especially when my nephew's birthday happens to fall on Christmas Eve!

There were presents galore for the four kids, and much good food and laughter. All in all, a nice, albeit quick, Christmas trip.

After the presents were open and we had gorged on breakfast, we packed up the car and headed back east to Brampton and my sister in law's home for dinner. Another lovely meal, much frivolity, an incident involving stuffing being flung into a wine glass...you get the picture.

And then, a few hours later, we were home. The flurry of activity that was the past few weeks caught up with us, and we slept for something insane like 13 hours straight. A record, if you ask me.

Emotionally I also fared reasonably well, all things considered. I only had two meltdowns, a number I'm actually rather pleased about. I had no idea how the holidays would impact me, if finally being able to stop and rest (yeah, that whole two and a half days off work post miscarriage really doesn't promote much in the way of emotional healing) would allow the floodgates to open and the damns to break. So all in all, I feel rather okay about how I made it through.

The first came on our way to Waterloo. We'd decided to take the 407 and were listening to Mariah Carey's Christmas album at the time. I was in good spirits - had my Tims in my hand, was on vacation, had presents galore in the car, and was singing along. Then her song "I Miss You Most At Christmastime" came on. No big whoop. All is fine.

Until we pass the exit we took to get to the hospital the night of the miscarriage.

Yeah, not a good combination if you ask me.

It was the first time we'd travelled that road since it had happened. And everything came rushing back to me. The song lyrics stuck out in a way they never had before. And the tears.just.came. Bang.

Of course I couldn't react, couldn't do anything, couldn't let on, because DeeDee was sitting in the back seat. And she has no idea that any of this has even gone down, so quiet sobs were the order of the day.

Fortunately I was able to change the song on the CD and just cry it out of my system quickly. And then it was on to the next carol.

The second came Christmas Eve just after dinner. We'd finished eating and cleaning, and were all just getting ready to sit and digest the mountain of food we'd just demolished. My dad and brother in law were in the living room chatting, and the television was on in the background. Their main level is quite open, so you can hear the tv from pretty much anywhere.

And just as I was chatting with my mom and sister, it came on tv. The Pamper's commercial, the one where a woman is quietly singing Silent Night as they show pictures of beautiful sleeping babies. Instant tears.

For some reason, this one gets me going like nothing else on earth. It's practically Pavlovian. I think it's worse, because the night of (or the day after, who can remember) the miscarriage, Hubs and I were lying in bed getting ready to sleep and it came on. I begged him to turn the sound off, the tv off, anything...and ever since I've done the same any time I've stumbled upon it on tv. And ever since, Hubs has been on remote control duty to just make it stop.

Sure enough, Hubs is in the other room and is chatting with my sister, so doesn't realize it's come on. The tv is too far away for me to do anything, so I immediately just leave the room, cower in a corner, and burst into tears, trying not to make a spectacle of myself. My mom and sister come over and try to comfort me as best as they can, then finally poor Hubs realizes what's happened and poor guy, feels like shit because he didn't hear it, couldn't stop it, couldn't protect me.

Have I mentioned lately how fantastically sweet and protective of me he is?

As with the first incidence it came on fast and dissipated just as quickly (thankfully) and I could get on with the evening. But all things considered, I certainly could have done without tears on Christmas Eve.

The week between Christmas and New Years passed insanely quickly. We did some cleaning, some baking, lots of sleeping. We hosted my younger sisters for dinner one night which was great - we don't often have the chance to get together and chat, especially without our mutual parent (Dad) around, so that was quite cool.

Then, thanks to the generosity of my fabulous sister in law (who now lives with us, btw - another new but wonderful in every way development) and my good friend Ami bringing the sweet deal to my attention, Hubs and I spent a night in Niagara Falls in a huge king bed, two person whirlpool suite. We walked down Clifton Hill, got some fudge from our fave shop, made our donation to the casino, had a super yummy steak dinner at the Keg, then...well, the rest is none of your bidness, right? :) But suffice it to say, it was the mini-break from real life that we both so desperately needed. Time away from everything to just relax, be, and enjoy each other.

Many times.

Ahem.

So yeah, where are we now? Oh yes, New Years.

I love New Year's Eve. One of my fave holidays of the entire year. It's entire raison d'etre is to celebrate. Party. Countdown. Drink champagne and, if you're lucky, eat yummy cheeses.

We were very lucky.

Our delightful and gracious hostess Nat took very good care of us in all of these departments. There had to be at least 7 kinds of cheese.

It was good.

It was lovely to just hang out with friends, eat good food, laugh, kick some Guitar Hero ass, and welcome in 2009 with a more-than-mild buzz and some pink champagne in my glass. Many of us were glad to bid adieu to the year that was, which just made the celebrations all that much heartier. A good time was had by all, and I can't thank Nat and her hubby enough for hosting us. :)

New Year's Day we hosted Hubs' family here for dinner. His mom made her patented Swiss Steak at home then Hubs picked her and the dinner up mid afternoon. The food was great! What isn't so great is that a not insignificant portion of it sloshed out from the pan onto the passenger side floor mats of our Kia, leaving behind a pool of meat juice.

We now drive around in a meatmobile.

Ugh - it stinks. I have no idea how we're going to get the stank outta things. And this is WITH the mat being out of the car. Any suggestions? Dear Heloise, how do you get the stink of beef of of your floormats? Sigh.

And here we are, caught up to today. Friday, January 2. The last non-working work day before I head back.

Hubs and I decided to take advantage of a Cineplex gift card we were kindly given for Christmas and head out to see Marley & Me. Remind me never to go to an afternoon showing of a movie when kids still aren't back in school ever again. Ugh.

Hubs and the white trash daddy behind us nearly came to blows at one point. Never a dull moment! Apparently daddy, his wife and his two smallish kids obviously thought they were still in their own living room while watching the movie. They talked at pretty much full voice, but what made me mental was the girl rustling her popcorn bag. Normally wouldn't be a big deal, but it was a bag of MICROWAVE popcorn they'd brought from home. You know how much noise those things make? Now put that in with a quiet movie and it's as annoying as hell.

So I kept doing my glance-over-the-shoulder-with-a-stern-look thing and the kid says, 'why is that woman looking at me?'
Mom, full voice: that woman keeps looking at her!
Me: yes, you're making a lot of noise, please be quiet
Mom: she's only eating popcorn!
Me: and talking
Daddy and all three of his teeth: ahhhh shuddup
Me, fuming: no, YOU shut up, that was my point

and I went back to watching the movie.

20 or so seconds later, Hubs leans in and asks me if the guy told me to shut up. I nodded, but told him to just leave it alone. Then they got into a nice staring contest after the movie was over and I think the guy realized it likely wasn't a good idea to say anything more. So he walked away.

Silly boys. Mine is rather protective.

Double sigh.

Now it's 11pm and I'm tired. But thankfully I still have the weekend to start getting back into a working/commuting head space and to kick back and relax a little bit longer. The house is clean, the decorations are down and put away, order is coming back to my life.

Come Monday we'll get back to a good routine of eating better and going back to the gym so I can feel like I'm doing something good again for my physical (and, by extension, mental) health. Then Tuesday morning it's back to the fertility clinic as we get ready to try this whole let's get pregnant thing all over again.

So here's to 2009. May it bring us all prosperity, health, happiness, and the things we desire most out of life. May it be better than the last in every way that matters. And most of all, here's to surviving 2008, to living to envision and hopefully experience a better year to come.

And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?