Monday, 17 September 2007

The week that was....

Hello my lovelies! Imagine my surprise to get a comment asking where I've been and to come back! How very kind.

Well. It's been a week since I last came to brief you on my existence, and its been a trying week at that.

Let's see...well, after The Weekend to End Breast Cancer I was exhausted, mentally and physically. I felt like I was coming down with something so I stayed home from work on Tuesday and just attempted to sleep, take it easy, and not get sick. The latter I did thankfully avoid.

But I also kinda called in sad. Yes, I was feeling terrible physically, but I was so emotional and all over the map on Tuesday that staying home seemed like the only option. You see, Tuesday was 13 days after our latest insemination attempt. Which meant my blood test was the next day. And since all tests I'd done up to that point were coming back negative, I knew, I just knew in my gut, that the blood test would come back negative as well.

I really got my hopes up this time. Everything felt different. My 'symptoms' were different, things progressed as they were supposed to, I had two good follicles produced, Hubs' numbers were great, and more than anything, something told me this could be our time.

The higher you allow your hopes to get, the further you have to fall. And I fell. Hard.

By Tuesday afternoon I was a mess. Hubs was home, getting ready to go out of town until Friday. We cuddled in bed for a bit after he finished packing, and I burst into tears. I was so afraid of the result I knew was coming, and the hormones coursing through my body wouldn't allow me to keep the tears at bay any longer. I sobbed in his arms, and he tried to cancel his trip.

I wouldn't let him.

I told him I'd be okay - eventually - and off he went as he had to. As I closed the door behind him, I started sobbing and it took a good long time to stop.

Again, I blame the hormones. In my head, I knew my reaction was totally beyond how I was actually feeling and/or what was 'normal' for the situation, but I couldn't stop myself. I simply could not stop crying, I was just too sad. Sad for what wasn't to be, and, as I'm increasingly lead to believe, what simply will not be. Ever. But we solider on.

So I sat at home all alone, made myself some KD for dinner (a rare indulgence - Hubs hates the stuff and it's terrible for me, but who's gonna stop me at a time like that?), and counted the hours until it was reasonable to return to bed.

Then my mom called.

Great. As soon as I hear her voice, another crying spell begins. The effect mom's voice has on me. This is not good, not good at all. My mother already thinks I'm losing the plot (if I hear her say she's concerned about me because depression runs in our family one more time, I think I WILL actually become depressed :) ) so hearing my heave sobbing certainly didn't add a check in the 'sane' column. Sigh.

To make matters worse, she wasn't even calling to check on me and see how I was doing. She was calling to say how great it was that the Weekend to End Breast Cancer got great coverage. Makes sense - it just happened and was all over the news. But at that point all I really needed was support.

Not that they know how to be a support for me anyway. Don't get me wrong, I know there's nothing malicious AT ALL about what either my mother or my sister say or do, but man. They just don't get it yet. They can't. Especially my sister. We're chatting a few weekends ago and I say I'm headed down to Linens N Things and she says she has to go to Homesense next door, so why don't we go together? Okay, sounds good.

I tell myself, I can handle this. I'm okay these days. I have positive thoughts about what is to come. I can handle being alone with my 30 week pregnant sister. So off we go.

All is well until about half way there, she tells me what she's in search of. Chat chat chat, crib bedding I saw at another store but didn't pick up.

Whu? You're making me go with you while you try to find crib bedding? Are you out of your fucking mind? Do you really not get it? Do you not see how sensitive I am to all things baby? Do you seriously not have any idea how much it pains me to even have to even look at you sideways, but I do it because you're my sister and it's not your fault that I'm broken like this?

I keep thinking that someday, she'll realize. That day, obviously, has not yet come.

So I suck it up in the baby section, gasping at times for air as she pokes through the multitudes of happy baby things. Of course the set she's looking for isn't there (a pink and green one, she says...if you know me in real life, you know how much that rips my heart out) so I put myself through that all for naught. Awesome.

But it doesn't end there. She proceeds to tell me all about her search, that she came to the shop right near our house and there was nothing there. The shop I can't bring myself to go into, but am taunted by every time I drive in or out of my street. Yeah, that shop. So sorry they let you down. And that she should have just let mom buy it for her when they saw it in the first place.

Gee, I wish mom would buy something, anything, baby-related for me. But no, by all sis out with that 3D ultrasound and crib bedding since we have no kids to spoil. Yeah.

Wow, do I ever sound bitter. Maybe that's why I haven't posted in a bit....'cause I was worried it would all come out in one vitriolic streak.

Guess I was right.

Anyway....back to Tuesday night. I get off the phone with my mom who actually says the perfect thing - ' I can't relate, but I wish there was something I could do. I hate hearing you so sad.' Amazing how those few words can be all I need to hear. Not that I think she fully gets it just yet, but it's progress, and I'll take it.

I finally finish my last crying spurt of the day, and I feel my way upstairs to bed. And I mean feel, since I can't see a damned thing through the puffy slits I called eyes a few hours ago. I am spent...well and truly spent. And I slept like the dead.

Wednesday arrives and it's blood test time. And because I realize that it's not over until the results are in, there's a tiny part of me that holds out a wee speck of hope that there's still a chance. Speck gets crushed to dust later that afternoon when I see the blinking light on my answering machine, check messages, and my fears are confirmed. IUI number two is a bust.

Hubs is calling me multiple times a day trying to see how I'm doing. I alternate between full on mewling basket case, and barely coherent blubbering idiot. He's not doing well being so far away, and he feels completely helpless. My sister tells me that because Hubs isn't around, I can come to their place for dinner. Uh, no. I need to be at home, but thanks.

Then I get an email from my sister in law who's supposed to be coming over to do some garden work. She asks if I want company since she knows Hubs isn't home. I find the timing surprising (five minutes after I get off the phone with Hubs) but I know the gardening plans were made in advance, so I chalk it up to coincidence. I tell her that I have just received more crap news, and I'm not sure if I'm up for any company at all, that I can't make a decision in that moment. She says she'll call later, and we'll go from there.

My boss tells me to just go home. To take it easy, grieve, and leave. Have I mentioned how much I love her? She totally rocks, and she just gets it, ya know? She gets me. And that's huge.

So I leave. I take the train, I read my book, I go to the grocery store and pick up something quick for dinner, some chocolate to make me feel better, and some fruit to make me feel better about the chocolate. And wouldn't you know it....I actually am starting to feel better.

I get home, have my dinner, watch some tv, and when my sister in law calls, I say yes, please come over. She asks if it's okay if her mom comes and I say sure. At that point I'm making my way back up towards good, and it would be nice to see them. I ask SIL to call Hubs to tell him that we've spoken and I'm doing okay, getting better. He won't believe it from me anyway, and at this point I'm more concerned about him worrying about me from so far away than I am about myself. SIL jokes that we're both love retards, worrying about the other more than ourselves. And that's when I know he called her the second he got off the phone with me to make sure that I wouldn't be alone. Gotta love him.

A wee while later, they show up with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and we make coffee, eat carrot cake, and laugh. And it felt better. I slept like the dead.

Thursday came all too early and I went back to work with a clear head and some renewed energy. That night I joined 11 other gals for Ladies Night at the Blue Jays game, and we had a fantastic time. Just what the doctor ordered. Beer (dear god it tasted good), popcorn, great companions, people who really care about me and complete strangers alike...and men in tight pants. That'll cure what ails ya. And thank heavens for that.

So I mentioned earlier that Hubs was away. Well, the plan was for him to be gone to Niagara Falls from Tuesday to Friday, then on Sunday he was going to have to leave again for New Jersey, not returning until Tuesday night. And that super sucked, 'cause we were supposed to go to my aunt and uncle's incredible home near Collingwood for the weekend.

I'd emailed her to change weekends, but never heard back. So you can imagine my sheer delight when Hubs' second trip got cancelled. Finally it looked like the universe was doing us some mad props, yo. And we fuckin well deserved it, if I do say so myself.

So Friday morning I'm running around packing stuff up (food, DVD's, my clothes, all that stuff) 'cause I was out late on Thursday. I go take the rental back (our car was in the shop - again) and have the rental people take me up to Kia to get our car. Which doesn't start when I try it.

Which was, of course, the entire reason it was there yet again. They'd just replaced the damned onboard computer - and it still doesn't work?!

So Enterprise comes back up to Kia in the same car I just left them with, and off I finally go to work. It's almost 10am before I get to the office, and, oh yeah...did I mention I was only working a half day so we could leave early to get up north in good time? Oh yea.

Fortunately all worked out and we were still able to leave around 12:45. Hubs' colleague dropped him off right at my workplace, and I was so freakin excited to see him I almost tongued him down in front of my colleague, who was sitting in one of my guest chairs at the time. Oops! Narrowly missed that one!

The rest of the weekend was fantastic. Their house is truly a dream home, custom built with a saltwater pool and hot tub, windows everywhere, and no one can see you. Ever. No homes on any side. Nothing but trees. Which means - no blinds on any of the windows. Yee haw for streakin'! What a crazy feeling....being completely alone. And man oh man does it get dark there at night. The stars are incredible when there is no light pollution. I can't even begin to describe how many there actually are in the sky...and they look that much more incredible from the comfort of the hot tub.

The weekend did us a world of good. We had time to ourselves, just us, no one else. No computers (no offence!), no video games, no decent cell phone reception, no agenda...just us. We chatted, we cooked, we listened to music, we slept in, we cuddled, we...well. Some things I don't have to describe, ya know? :)

We went into Blue Mountain and did some shopping. Hubs bought me a cute black and pink reusable bag that says dirty girl. Does he know me or what? We also got some things for the house for Christmas, believe it or not. And then I ran into someone I went to high school with. What a small world.

It was chilly and windy, but we had a nice time walking around, drinking our Starbucks and just enjoying the Saturday. Later we had steak on the bbq, watched a bunch of episodes of Heroes, and capped off the evening with a freshly bought strawberry rhubarb pie. After the hot tub, that is.

Sunday we slept in yet again, got the place cleaned up, and slowly made our way home. We stopped at one of our fave gift shops in Collingwood and got some great fall serving pieces which will come in exceptionally handy since we're hosting Thanksgiving dinner with my family here. Then we made a stop at the Cookstown outlet mall and I picked up two pairs of shoes at Naturalizer (no excuse to not go walking now that I have the right shoes) as well as a few more serving pieces at the Villeroy and Boch store. Are you sensing a shopping trend here?

We finally made it home and the fabulous aforementioned sister in law was here getting the planting started. So exciting to see a garden actually taking shape! Then we busied ourselves with the mundane tasks involved in returning home...putting away the clothes, taking out the garbage, all that good stuff.

And now, here we are at Monday night, an entire week having passed since my last post. Hubs and I are watching the season premier of Prison Break. As much as fall saddens me, at least there's good tv to be enjoyed!

So that's my week. That's what I've been up to. That's why I was a bit absentee. The majority of it kinda sucked, but at least it ended on a high note. I'm feeling better still, and am happy that we're able to being another cycle. In fact, I start the coo coo pills tonight. Let's hope this time the emotional roller coaster has a happy ending. And that it doesn't take me another week to come back here and post again!

Which shouldn't be a problem considering Sludge is up to her old crap again....but that's a whole other post.

Thanks for waiting for me!

And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?

12 comments on "The week that was...."

Anonymous said...

I can't relate to what you are going through, but I really appreciate how honest you are with your blogs. I can't wait to read each one.

Anonymous said...

Same as the anon. poster above. I can't relate and I won't even pretend that I can, but I think about you a lot and I was worried about you this week. I knew your IUI didn't work from WB. I am really glad that you have such a wonderful husband and supportive SIL. I hope your Mom and sister pull their respective heads out of their asses though (sorry, was that too harsh?) And, you know what? One day you and your hubby will be parents. You will be. And, you will be great parents and you just have to believe that. It will happen. Maybe not this cycle and maybe not the next one but it will happen and you will be a super Mom --- know that in your heart. Take care. Hugs.
From wayoutwest on WB.

janny said...

Happy to get some news!!

Like the other gals, I cannot begin to think I understand what you are going through, but it's Oh So evident how this is affecting you, and Every single time I read the sad news that it didn't stick, I WISH there was something I could do to help you in any way, shape or form! I know this won't change anything, but you will make an AWESOME Mommy some day (very soon, I am sure!) and any kid would be extremely happy to have you as their mom. That kid will be so loved by you guys, I am not even a bit worried for that! :)

All the hugs and happy thoughts I can send your way are going out to you and your hubby! You got a whole lot of us cheering for you guys, at some point, I'm sure it'll kick in and you'll end up having triplets from all the super positive energy! :P (we can only hope darling!)

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you came back! I was getting worried after reading your news on WB and then not seeing a post in such a long time.
I admire your strength and resilience and I know you will succeed. Soon.

Chelle on 18 September 2007 at 06:56 said...

I can't believe your sis dragged you along to go shopping for crib sets!! Gah. Some people.

So sorry again about the BFN. It's soooo not fair.

Anonymous said...

Hi there - I am also an avid reader and happy to see that you are back posting.
I CAN relate to what you are going through...I am finally pregnant through IVF after years of trying. I know what it's like to have a family that just doesn't understand and they've made some pretty assenine (sp?) comments over the years. As hard as it was, I just had to chalk it up to some serious lack of knowledge on the subject of infertility.
I do wish the best for you and your DH - you will be a parent at some point. Don't give up hope.

celtic_kitten on 18 September 2007 at 11:34 said...

Good God woman! Every time I read about your mom and your sis I'm so thankful I only have a brother (and a socially inept one at that, so unlikely to procreate any time soon). Ok, that sounded bad. Revision: I'm so glad I don't have to put up with that kind of crap on top of the whole infertility roller-coaster! *hug* I want to smack the two of them up-side the head and tell them to open their eyes and THINK for once!

Ok... enough ranting on your behalf.

I'm glad your SIL is a good support for you... and I'm super glad you and your hubby got your weekend away to relax and pretend the rest of the world didn't exist (and hey, retail therapy is good too :) ).

And I hope you know, if I'd been in town, I'd have trekked out there in a heartbeat to distract you with girlie movies and oh-so-bad-for-you food that doesn't count when you're miserable ;)

ON a completely different topic... how many times is it now that Kia have tried and failed to fix this starter/sparkplug/computer/P.O.S. car issue? It might be time to look into the Lemon Law....

Anonymous said...

So glad to hear that at least your weekend was good. I cannot relate to the infertility stuff...but I just wanted to say that I am rooting for you guys. It will happen. You will make a great great mom, and the universe would be absolutely stupid to stop you from being one. I am a WB girl, so I will keep following you here and there! Keep strong, and stay hopeful (and when you cant know that all of us will.)

shanny on WB said...

A virtual community is a wonderful place to vent and to get support. I've been following your blod since earlier this year, and checkin' ya out on the WB. Hang in there girl, I'm rooting for ya. If anyone needs to buy awesome baby diaper bags it's you. It's important to be sad when you feel it. The best thing you did for yourself was to have your sad day. Good luck with the next round.

Shoe_Gal said...

Hey girly, just wanted to say hi. I'm glad you had a great weekend, it sounded amazing.

I can't imagine what you're going through, but I think of you often and hope that everything will turn out wonderfully for you. You are always rooting for other women on WB, and we're all rooting for you too.

Take care, and PM me anytime.

You buddy,


Anonymous said...

Another that can't relate to what you are going through but I think we can all relate to insensitive comments from family! I hope things get better with your mom & sis (can't believe she didn't think there was anything wrong with taking you baby shopping!!) & they start thinking of your feelings first.

Sounds like you & hubby had a great weekend away which was exactly what you both needed. I'm really pulling for you & know that it will happen for you. You will be parents!!

~ Ginelle

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for everything you are going through - it makes me sad!! And each time, hard as it is, you seem to pick yourself up and move on (albeit with sadness in your heart) and rejoice in life and bring humour and laughter into my life (and others!) with your stories and words. I admire that in you. I truly hope you achieve your dream!





This many divas have come to read my rants since January 30, 2007:

'Cause everyone has a dash of diva in them Copyright 2008 Shoppaholic Designed by Ipiet Templates Image by Tadpole's Notez