The crap de la crap

Yep, that's what yesterday was. Certainly no creme in sight.

So all the things I was afraid of yesterday actually came to fruition. If only I could see the winning lottery numbers with such clarity and foresight, life would be a little rosier...

Looks like this cycle is going to be a bust. Before we even have a shot to do an insemination. It appears that the dominant follicle they were seeing a few days ago is likely a cyst that has now collapsed. According to my estrogen levels, there is not another follicle large enough or producing enough estrogen to take over the dominant follicle position. And with no dominant follicle, there's no ovulation. No ovulation, no insemination. No insemination, no chance at conception. And no chance at conception means, you've got it, no hope for a baby this cycle.

Have I mentioned how much this all sucks? Yeah, not really news to you, is it?

If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times - it's just so fucking hard. This whole process, the emotional roller coaster, the hormones, the crying at work (oh yeah, I totally let loose a bunch of times yesterday - awesome), watching Hubs worry about me, keeping one eye on the calendar as we creep ever closer to my sister's due date and I'm not pregnant...

What in the world did I do to deserve this?

Yep, last night I got angry. And I can feel myself starting to get bitter. I'm not usually a 'why me' kinda person. Seriously. I believe that there are certain things we have control over, and when things are out of our realm of influence, we still have control over how we react or respond to those circumstances. So this is obviously one area where I have no control...I can't spontaneously generate extra estrogen levels or make my follicles grow.

I'd be the newest character on season two of Heroes if I could do something like that. Imagine having to explain THAT power to Dr. Suresh. Well you see, doctor - I can force my estrogen levels to rise! Let me fight alongside you as you try to defeat Sylar...I'll develop killer eggs that can track him down and take him out...

Have I mentioned I'm not getting a lot of sleep these days?

So even though I have no power or control over how my body chooses to respond to the drugs that are doing funky things in my pituitary gland, I can control how I react to all the bad news I'm getting. I'm just not doing a very good job of it.

Hubs is getting increasingly concerned. Usually it's just bad news once a month - when it's testing time and I get the negative. At least that's been the pattern for the past few months. But now this - not even two weeks after the last negative, here I am again, crying my eyes out, feeling rather hopeless and helpless, and there's absolutely nothing he can do to fix it.

He makes it better, of course, just by being there, but that's not enough for him. He just wants me to be okay again, and I keep telling him that I will be, but I need to go through all this stuff to get to the other side. The side where 'okay' lives. I just don't know how long it will take me to get there if things keep getting messed up cycle after cycle.

'Cause no matter what anyone says, this isn't getting better with time. The optimism that I had when we started medical intervention is gone. 'Cause let's face it - intervention ain't doing jack. Yes, it's gotten me to ovulate, but big fat hairy deal if nothing ever comes of it. I'm trying to look ahead, be hopeful that the next round of medications, the ones I'll have to take via needle in ass, will do the trick. But at the same time I'm still scared to death that nothing will work and it'll just be more of the same for all the months ahead of us.

Hubs wants his wife to get his smile back, he says. And boy oh boy does that break your heart. Poor guy keeps telling me he has no idea if telling me how he feels through all this helps me or makes it worse. Well, that was kinda hard to hear, because it made me realize how much he's suffering through this too. Not that I didn't think he was suffering at all, but it's different now.

I know how hard it is on me when he's not okay or having a bad day dealing with things. I want nothing more than for him to be better and I feel powerless because all I can do is be there for him. And here I am putting him through the same damned thing. And I'm the one who tells the world you may not be able to control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it. What a hypocrite I am.

But I just can't do it. I can't be all sunshine and light because at the core of my being, that's not how I feel right now. This is not to say that I'm Debbie Downer all the time either...this isn't a constant thing, honest! I do have good days too, in fact more okay/good days than bad. It's just that the bad ones are so intense, my emotions that much more raw, that they stick in the brain much more than the okay ones.

I hate saying that only someone who's been through this can really understand what I'm going through, but the longer this goes on and the harder it gets, the more true it becomes. Until you've swam a mile in my empty uterus, you can't know what's going on in my head. Or precisely why it hurts. Or how, despite how desperately you want to, there's nothing you can do to make it better.

So the past few days truly have been the crap de la crap of bad days. Especially since it all just hit me out of left field - I totally wasn't expecting this to happen! This was the easy part, the part that works, the rare moment of calm waters for smooth sailing. Which only seems to heighten the disappointment and throw me completely off my emotional course even more when it all goes horribly wrong.

Thank god it's Friday. It's just us this weekend, Hubs and I, and we're going to do some work around the house. New paint on the front door and garage door, new door lock, work on the lawn...very hands-on chores to take my mind off all this stuff.

After my 8am appointment, the final nail in this cycle's coffin, that is.

Hope you all have a great weekend. And be sure to enjoy some of that Saturday morning sleep in for me, will ya?

And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?