Back on the horse

Well, the time has come. It's time to step out of the shadows and blink dazedly into the light that is this whole baby making business.

That's right - it's been four weeks since that vile cyst invaded my ovary and threw me into a tizzy, and it's time to go back and see what's become of the little bastard.

With any luck it's long gone, cast out by hormones or destroyed by forces I can't even begin to want to understand. With MY luck, it's probably still there - hanging out, eating all my food and making long distance calls to Nepal on my phone line. 'Cause I sure haven't had much luck along the way.

It's funny - last time I went in I was so hopeful, so excited at the prospect of having a real shot. The idea of a cyst never even crossed into the realm of possibility in my mind - ah, how ignorance can truly be bliss - so I was, as you may recall, ill prepared for the news I was to receive that day.

This time, well, fuck it.

The great cosmic joke player in the sky has proven to me that it is indeed possible for things to get worse, so I've decided to subscribe to the Lowered Expectations (cue music here) school of thought for this and future medical appointments.

I figure hell, if I don't expect anything, I can't be disappointed when I get absolutely nothing. You see, that was my problem before...I was so hopeful (and since you all know my stance on hope I won't bore you by repeating it) that the news, when it came, was devastating.

This time I will expect the unexpected. I am in the process of brainwashing myself (a surprisingly difficult task) that the cyst will still be there and will therefore push us even further off course. That I might not even get my sacred Provera prescription to bring on another cycle - that nature needs more time to take its course and we'll be pushed back into August before we have another shot at conception.

This way, anything else hedging towards positive news is cause for all out celebration. What would have been normal in the past will (if it actually happens - gotta keep working on that brainwashing) now become such incredible progress!!! Look how happy we are! Forward momentum!

Ah, attitude really is everything, eh? Nobody said it had to be a positive one.

So as with many things, only time will tell what the immediate future has in store for us. Cross your fingers that it's a future free from cysts and that there are drugs there too, will ya?

Ah, the things we wish for as we get older. From puppies to Barbies to dates with boys to left hand bling to disease-free reproductive organs. God, what's next - my nipples to stay above my belly button? Oh wait...too bloody late.

And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?