Is there a full moon tonight or something?

I swear to god, all the crazies are out tonight. There must be a full moon, 'cause Sludge is surely howling at it tonight.

I KNOW hate is a very strong word, and I KNOW you're really not supposed to use it for people but instead reserve it for broccoli (oops - if Oprah taught me anything, it's not to piss off the broccoli people - or was Oprah beef and Bush was broccoli? too much rage...) or other such easily disdainable items. Oh great, now I'm making up words. Disdainable? Gimme a break! Grrr....

I have to say it though - in this very moment, I yet again hate Sludge. I really do. I'm soooo sick and tired of her playing the victim in all of this it just kills me. I try to stay in the background when these things flare up because it's not in DeeDee's best interest to add yet another player into the 'let's fake a happy broken family' showcase. She's got enough to deal with these days.

The problem is - I'm sick and tired of getting beaten down over and over again, just by virtue of the role I've been cast in this ridiculous drama - the new wife. That's right, don't call her the stepmother folks - she's daddy's wife. Maybe stepparent would be okay, but I'm apparently not worthy of any title that has a river of consonants and vowels that, when spilled together, happen to spit out the word 'mother'. According to her. Because I am not DeeDee's mother, not her blood, I have no say in anything, no role to play whatsoever.

What she just doesn't get is - I don't want to be DeeDee's mother.

I really don't.

She already has one. As fucked up as she may be, she has a mother. And that mother is not me. Yes, contrary to popular opinion, I am not trying to usurp her in this area. At all.

What on earth would it take to make her see this? Why is she so goddamned threatened by me?

The highlight of the evening had to have been when I clearly heard this gem - 'she's no better than me'.

It took everything I had not to flip out.

Ummmm sorry - but yeah, I kinda am.

I know how awful that sounds, I do. And I thought really long and hard about it, let it roll around on my tongue a bit before I said the words aloud (to Hubs alone, of course). I hate the thought of me even thinking that I'm better than someone, because that's so subjective and elitist and holier-than-thou and truly, that's not me.

But I work. Hard. I pay my bills. She doesn't lift a finger for a single cent she earns.

I help others, and don't expect others to do everything for me. Yes, I've had more opportunities, but I've done everything I can to make the best of them when they were presented. I didn't sit back and watch those opportunities go by, thumbing my nose at them and expecting the universe to just take care of me. I don't have her warped sense of entitlement to social assistance without putting a thing into the system that supports her.

And I don't know - there's a super selfish part of me that thinks yeah, all that kinda makes me a better person.

Wow.

It was surprising to say the words, and it's even more so writing them down. It's taking everything I have to not hit the backspace key and delete my entire position on this issue, but I'm going to stand my own ground and not censor myself. I may regret this or come back to edit it later, but it's all so raw right now, so open and almost festering....I don't even know where to go from here.

How do you fight a demon that hates you not for who you are as a person (so she says) but for every single thing you represent? For the coveted position you hold as wife? For all you have in your life?

There's no winning here. And what's worse, I don't even really get to do battle, because were we really to go at it (as satisfying as it might be), the only real casualty would be DeeDee. And I refuse to heap extra challenges on that child.

Which is why, I suppose, this drives me so crazy, eats away at me and makes me want to breathe fire. I vent here and to Hubs and on WB so that I don't turn that anger and the resulting vitriol to the one person in my life who, let's face it, actually deserves to bear the brunt of it.

Huh....funny how she doesn't have any qualms about slamming me up against each and every brick wall she could possibly find. I can't even tell you how hard it is to not just lash out right back and make myself feel better.

Maybe in the end, that's what really sets me apart from her and makes me a better person. I actually can step back and do what's best for everyone in the situation and not just me, even if it's eating me up inside.

For the time being, until this latest flash of anger oozes its way out of my pores, I guess I can survive on that. I have no choice - otherwise it'll be off the deep end for me.

And funnily enough, I'm saving all my deep end action for Cuba. :)

And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?