Saturday, 21 April 2007

What a roller coaster day

What a weekend. It's 10:30 on Saturday night and I'm spent.

Friday was a pretty decent day, actually. After our big event at work and my late arrival home on Thursday, a slower paced Friday was definitely a welcome relief.

My parents are in town this weekend and it's the first time they've seen the new house, so needless to say - it had to be spotless. So instead of spending lots of time with them last night, we came home, had pizza, and scrubbed the place (sans vacuuming) from top to bottom to be ready for them to come over today for dinner.

So...the morning arrives and while Hubs heads out to get the vittles to make dinner, I sleep a bit more (god love a weekend), then finally pull myself out of bed and downstairs to the vacuum and the remaining chores.

It's so beautiful outside that I kinda go overboard, and before you know it I'm cleaning the windows, sweeping the front porch, cleaning off the ole Aderondack (sp?) chairs and bringing them out of the garage, dusting everything in felt great to finally be able to open windows and get air moving through the house. Sigh.

I wrote to a friend, telling her that I was so happy the weather was so nice, because it really helped to get my brain off all this fertility stuff - I was feeling really good about life in general, and that rocked.

Until my sister told me she's 12 weeks pregnant.

Yeah, that was a bit of a shocker. My mom, sister and I had gone shopping and were in a home decor store that had all sorts of girly/baby stuff and my mom picked up a baby blanket, looked at me and said, 'shall we start your collection?' I said no, thanks...I'm too superstitious and just can't stomach it. Then she looked at my sister and asked her the very same question...and I damned near puked up my Tim Horton's coffee. I asked her if she was pregnant and she said yes.


Of course I'm super happy for her. She's my sister!! She's been talking about having another one (her son is two and a half years old and she always wanted a second one by the time he was three) so it's not like it was a huge surprise.

It just kinda derailed me in the moment, ya know?

My sister and my mom have both been blessed with the highly fertile gene. My sister got pregnant all three times they didn't use birth control (two ended in miscarriage but the third one stuck). Me, two and a half years, and not a damned thing.

Anyway, I said congrats, and we continued shopping. We walked up and down the street for a bit, then went into a baby/kids furniture store she'd always wanted to go to.

Just going into the place was sensory overload. Cribs, beds, wardrobes, blankets, Robeez, strollers, pillows, safety stuff - you name it, if it was designed for a baby and super cute, it was in that store.

And I was actually doing pretty well. I kept biting my lip to keep from losing it as we wondered, and I was holding it together.

Then I set my eyes on the cutest little pink caplet and that was it. I had to walk a bit ahead because I needed a bit of distance. My sister started talking and asked me a question, so I was forced to turn around. In that moment she saw my face and asked me if I was okay.

And no, I clearly wasn't. I burst into tears. Right there in the middle of the store.

They came over and both said that it would happen for me, it's just a matter of time. We didn't spend much more time in that store.

Alas. My beautiful weather high was replaced with my fertility challenge low.

I feel terrible, because my sister deserves to be happy, to be able to celebrate her pregnancy. And she feels bad because of all of our struggles. No one wins here, but I feel so badly because I'm robbing her somehow of her ability to enjoy this with the whole family.

And my poor mom - I told her that it wasn't like she needed to choose between being happy for her and being sad for me, that they don't have to be mutually exclusive. She is of the opinion that I will get pregnant and we will have a family, and she holds on to that while I have trouble with it as a general premise (you may have read my post on hope).

Then it was time to come home, collapse into a sobbing heap on Hubs' shoulder, then get dinner ready, 'cause everyone was coming over. Fortunately I had some time to get myself used to the idea, so dinner was okay all things considered.

And now here we are. I'm really looking forward to getting to bed and just sleeping. You know when you spend a good amount of time crying and you're just exhausted by the end of the day? Well, that's me. Plain tuckered out.

Thankfully the weather's going to be incredible tomorrow too, so let's just hope that with a new day comes a renewed good weather high.

And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?

3 comments on "What a roller coaster day"

Jill said...

Ah divajen, I just don't know what to say. I'm sorry for your semi-yucky day. I, too, was upset when my BFF told me she was pregnant. I was SO excited for her, but SO sad for me. I actually avoided her for 2 days.

I hope you're feeling better really soon.


Anonymous said...

Don't feel bad at all, I'm sure your family completely understood and they sound wonderful and supportive. HUGS))!!


Chelle on 18 July 2007 at 08:41 said...

I hate the shock of finding out that someone new is pg - even if they've been trying just as long as we have or whatever. It's always that little dig that they've got what I want and can't have.




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