A good start...

That's the punch line to a joke I never really found all the funny but today, it resonates. The joke? What do you call a hundred thousand lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start indeed.

I have friends that are lawyers, hell I wanted to BE a lawyer for most of my formative years, so I never really subscribed to this way of thinking. Fortunately my personal interactions with lawyers have been blissfully limited - we needed one to draft our wills and she was fabulous, and now we need one to facilitate the closing of our home purchase.

And he sucks.

Seriously, I'm so mad right I could spit nails, as mom used to say. Yes, I realize lawyers are busy people. Yes, I realize that if I call they may not be available to take said call at that very moment. And yes, I can even wait a day or two to get a callback from the message I left when they weren't available because they're very busy.

But I can't freaking stand being ignored. And it only adds insult to injury knowing that I'm paying him a handsome fee for the privilege.

You see, our house closes on Monday. As in three short days from now. When you purchase a home there are these fun incidental charges all wrapped up in a happy blanket called 'closing costs'. Sounds so cute and innocuous, yes? Anyway, these closing costs are a moving target at times, and the actual amount is not known until shortly before the closing date - a few days, a week at most. Understood. This is part of the process, so on we go.

In order to pay said closing costs, I am required to show up at the appointment with Mr. Neglectful (our lawyer) with a certified cheque for that moving target amount. In order to secure said cheque, I need the amount. I can only get the amount from Mr. Neglectful, and I need to be at the bank today to get said cheque in order to be ready for our Saturday morning appointment. Starting to see a nasty picture emerging here?

Shortly after our offer had been accepted, I received a letter from the offices of Neglectful, Rude & Incompetent telling me that they'd be in touch prior to the closing to fill in the gaps, set up an appointment, etc. Riiiight. Which is why when I never heard a peep from anyone at NR&I, I had to call them myself. Then wait for Mr. Neglectful to call me back. Then give him the info he needs, inquire about the appointment, and find out how much to make the cheque out for as I will be going to fetch it Friday afternoon. No problem, he assures me, I'm getting the info this afternoon (Tuesday) and will have a number to you shortly. He takes Hubs' full name as he needs it for the paperwork, and we're rolling.

We're rolling, we're slowing...and we're stopping. I don't hear back from him.

I do, however, get a call from his assistant asking me for Hubs' full name for the paperwork. Uh, I could have sworn I gave you that info already, but okay, here you go. Any word on the final costs? No...not yet. Waiting for paperwork. That you supposedly received yesterday.

At this point, I'm very confused. The iPod in my brain shuffles onto the theme from The Twilight Zone and I momentarily forget where I am. I'm looped into some evil deja vu, a been-there-done-that kinda thing. I shake my head, hang up the phone, and attempt to get back to work.

Days pass, and I have yet to hear anything. I call back, leave a very polite but somewhat urgent sounding voicemail for Mr. Neglectful, asking him to please call and a) confirm our appointment (there was some confusion over whether it would be Saturday or Monday) and b) provide me with the final amount. No return phone call.

And that brings us back to today. It's 11:45am and I am supposed to be making a quick lunchtime jaunt down to my friendly neighbourhood bank to get that all important bank draft. I have no amount, and it's almost lunch. I'm sure you understand my dilemma. I place another call, only to find out that both Mr. Neglectful and assistant to Neglectful are away from their desks, probably at lunch. Where I should be going soon. Hmmm....

So I leave an urgent message with the receptionist, explaining my position and she tells me there's nothing she can do - they're on lunch. Yeah, thanks for that. Understood. I simply attempt to impress up on her the importance of a quick callback as time was of the essence.

I hang up the phone, fuming. Ten minutes later the phone rings - and it's my real estate agent. We love him - he was great to work with. But he recommended this lawyer as we didn't have one. Poor guy made the mistake of asking me how things were going - oops! We all have those moments we wish we could take back - I'm sure asking me that question was his.

He was absolutely fantastic, said that's not the way it's supposed to be, he'll place a call, etc. Then HIS boss, the owner of the agency, calls to say the same thing. Impressive. Needless to say, I'll be sure to recommend the agent but not the freakin lawyer!

Anywho, it all worked itself out and I heard back from the lawyer in time to make it to the bank. But as you can likely tell, the entire experience left me rather frustrated, and I can't say that it's engendered much confidence in his abilities. I suppose we'll find out if everything's taken care of tomorrow when we get out there and sign everything away. And hand over that stinking cheque to pay him for the pleasure of doing business with him. Goodie for us!! Cross your diva fingers that it all goes well - otherwise I'll find a way to add Mr. Neglectful to that 'good start' at the bottom of the sea.

And that's your daily dash. How's your diva doin'?